living in layers…
Trying to explain how I think–
We do live in layers– we expose the parts that we feel are “socially acceptable” and hide the rest. It has always seemed so hypocritical to me. I have always felt like I should just be Out There, be Real, but when I have been, generally have felt rejected so go back into hiding. During some of the trauma times, I lost that ability to hide the rest– that’s when I “hermitize”
I was always a GOOD GIRL– I followed the Rules. But life doesn’t always follow the rules.
I was supposta grow up, get married, have children, live happily ever after. Isn’t that what all little girls want? There was always some kind of resistance in me, like that wasn’t enough. But when I had children, life fell into place. I loved being mommy, so much so that when the time came for them to enter school, we decided to home school. I say “we” because it was my husband’s idea; at first I resisted, but then could see how good it could be. And it was, mostly.
One layer of my life was below that one. It was only inside. It was all the bad things people had done to me that made me feel unworthy, unlovable, and dirty. And I’ve been fighting that layer all my life; it comes up at inopportune moments.
But God knows it all. He loves it all. He loves ME, through and through. Anyway. In spite of. Because of.
We will overcome. Job 23:10 (New King James Version) But He knows the way that I take; When He has tested me, I shall come forth as gold.
HE will produce gold.
