Sidetracked by Sciatica

I had such big plans. But somehow there is ALWAYS a roadblock or roadblocks. And now it is the 20th already and I don't have done what needs to be done and must go to Plan B.

Instead of sewing, I've been visiting the chiropractor and sitting on a heating pad. :(

here kitty kitty

Finished my daughter in law's wall hanging. :)  Since we decided not to exchange Christmas gifts, I gave it to her for a Hostess gift. It was a Laurel Burch panel I got several years ago with her in mind but never did anything with it. I had found some black fabric with sparkly snowflake-ish patches. It turned out beautifully. I sure hope she loves it. I love the sentiments on it, a Bounty of Bliss and Blessings, a Treasure Trove of Treats, A Season of Songs and Savories, and Many Moments of Magic Making.

Next up: Liv and Jonathan's Just Because gift. :)

I also added some cards to the "made by me" album to the right.

thankful!!!

NOVEMBER 25, 2012

 

I was blessed today by seeing my foster sister. She commented that she looked up to me… at the time I didn’t always have the best attitude; sometimes I even resented her presence. God used me anyway. What an awesome God!!

Yesterday I got to spend time with 4 out of 5 kids.

Thursday I got to hang out with 3 of my grandsons.

Today I got to go to church with my daughter and her fiance.

Blessings multiplied….

Molly

Molly is an American Girl doll that I found at Salvation army for about $5.00. My daughter always wanted an American Girl, but I could never justify $100-$150 for a doll. Too late now for her... but I bought Molly anyway, because... well, because. That was several years ago, and I made her some tights, and that's all.
I was talking with a co worker and mentioned making doll clothes, and she wanted me to make some American Girl clothes for her. So I did. Pajamas, and a blanket, and a pillow.

Wish the colors showed up more, but this is just a phone shot. The fabric was a little scrap, it's apples that look appliqued. I just embroidered it a little more and it actually looks appliqued.

The pink (also the backing) is a piece of old curtain, and the binding was also a scrap. Found the batting in a bag in my mother in law's closet. It always makes me feel good to make something out of nothing. And the binding isn't perfect, and the border pulled a little when I sewed it, and it isn't perfectly rectangular. OH WELL.

The jammies are from an abandoned nightgown project that was also in the closet with the batting, and I wondered why it was abandoned. As I sewed with the fabric I knew why! It can't be pressed, it is a wrinkled-on-purpose fabric, and loosely woven, and slippery. But I persevered, and although it was a little frustrating somehow that makes the victory of completion sweeter.

Molly is enjoying them, even though she knows they are not hers, she is proudly modeling them, and even took a little nap. Doesn't she look comfy?

upside down and inside out.

NOVEMBER 19, 2012

 

Sewing today. Made doll pajamas   Seems like since I started this project there have been nothing but setbacks. The blanket went fine, except for the wonky parts. The pillow is strangely shaped, but the pillowcase is fine. The jammies? Well aside from fraying seams, stretching where it isn’t supposed to stretch, sewing a spot wrong and having to RIP…. more than once, and having the jammies not fit right, it was fine. But they turned out cuter than I thought they would, with some creative taking in, such as a button in the front and overlapping way more in the back… Upside down and inside out. That’s how you sew.

The point being. I have my plan, think I am doing it Just Right. Turns out that my Just Right was Not Right. But if  I go with the flow, and get creative, sometimes it turns out even better than MY plan…. and then I remember it’s HIS plan in the first place. I know, I know, not the jammies. I’m mixing the spiritual in with the earth stuff. It’s all the same anyway, the lessons I learn from this world are ALWAYS connected to what I am doing…. I learn more than the physical learning; there is always a spiritual insight gleaned.

The joy of the jammies are that I am going to give them to a little girl who will love that her doll has jammies. A simple thing, really. I was not planning on sewing doll clothes, but I just HAD to…. I mean with EIGHT GRANDSONS I just don’t have the chance to make DOLL CLOTHES very much. I’m excited to have a little girl to be the recipient of my American Girl creations. And a renewed thought of a long ago goal, to rescue dolls, dress them, and give them away. I am not so great about the giving away part, because I love dolls. So I will rejoice in this bit of giving away hoping it will lead to more.

Lord, I’m a better taker than a giver. 😦  You are changing me, helping me see the giving as a gift you give ME.

Thankfulness…..  

For my family, Jonathan especially tonight. He has a lot of You in him, Lord. I am thankful he loves my daughter….

For my home… in spite of all its drawbacks, it is warm, cozy, and keeps out the rain.

For the tomatoes that You gave us through someone at work. They simmered in the crock pot today and are going to be TASTY!!!

For the fact that I have a job that I enjoy…

for my parents… for the tribute made to my dad and Charlie for their hard work in landscaping that they recently had to give up… that Charlie is doing well… that my dad has stayed out of the hospital for a long time… thank You, Lord.

tied up in knots....

NOVEMBER 11, 2012

My stomach is all tied up in knots. My poor mother in law had a meltdown today and slapped a caregiver, and was trying to bite her, and in the fight ended up biting her own hand! She also hurt her leg the other day and it’s swollen because she won’t keep it elevated, she keeps just getting up out of her wheelchair, forgetting that her legs don’t work and then she falls. How awful to not remember that you are 97 and disabled. She has also been asking to see her mom, and it just breaks my heart to tell her over and over that her mother died years ago… not knowing of course what else to say. I remember when my uncle died and they ended up telling my aunt that she could see her husband later, when the reality was he had died, but when they told her she got really upset. So sometimes I think I should say, you can see her later…

I know I have a lot to be thankful for. Right now, I am in tears, grieving for the life that my mother in law in enduring. From MY perspective, enough is enough! but God is the one in charge. I don’t understand, but I know I can trust God to keep her in His hands. And me too.

Sewing Block...

WELL... I did finish a quilt top, and modify Lucy's pants. I found an outfit designed for the Beanie Baby Kids at a thrift store, and modified THAT so it can be taken off and put on easily. I think that line of toys would have been very successful except for the taking-on-and-off clothes issue.

I don't really understand why I am so reluctant to sew. There is no danger of the cat eating thread, she doesn't live in the same house as my sewing machine. I'm just doing it for self/family, so it isn't Perfection rearing its ugly head. Big Sigh. Lord, help me figure this out so I can Get On With It.

Most of my crafty time in the last six months has been spent organizing. I took over my mother in law's bedroom (since she has been moved to an Alzheimer's facility-- read about THAT adventure on my other blog.

I found an old shoe rack at a thrift store, and found containers at the Dollar Tree to fit on it. I started sorting my scraps into the containers and oh it is going to be so easy to grab them for my paper piecing projects. I love paper/foundation piecing!! The best site for patterns is Paper Panache. Her patterns are clear and detailed. Easy to Challenging.

Of course, when I saw her Nativity wall hanging I just HAD to do it. I had High Expectations of finishing for Christmas but here it is, November, and it isn't done. :(  BUT I will Carry On and hope for the best. I know that my expectations for myself are setting me up for failure, but I refuse to take that on, and will be happy with whatever I accomplish. I can see that the Doing will be a prayerful tribute as I work through the days. I am looking forward to the process.

Another thing in my plans is to set up her garage for furniture refinishing. I have some chairs that desperately need to be done. I love the look of bare wood, but might have to paint these two. We will see. I have six of them all together, and four of them have been refinished.. My parents originally had all six, and my mom antiqued them this mossy green color with dark glaze. Not my favorite color but they looked good with the table. Eventually my mom gave me two, and my brother two. She stripped her two and re upholstered the seat and back and they looked great, so I did MY two. My brother put his out in his garage for ten years or so. I asked about them, he said NO. But when he moved to Washington, he left them behind. :) They originally came from the shoe department of the Montgomery Wards store in Stockton, California. They are really sturdy. The wood used isn't consistent, they were painted. So some of them have arms that don't even match! But I love them because my six foot seven son can sit in them without worrying about them breaking, and they are just cozy and comfy to sit in.

So although I really miss my old place, I am carving out some crafty space, and have Big Plans for a spring garden. One day at a time.

more dementia adventures...

OCTOBER 27, 2012

more dementia adventures

This was really funny to ME but not to my mother in law. When we went to visit the other night, she kept asking us to get into bed “so we would be safe”. Kerry went out of the room for a minute to talk to one of the caregivers, and she said to me, crying… “get into bed for MY sake, please?” and when I said I wasn’t tired she yelled, “DO AS YOU ARE TOLD!!”

Kerry came in then, so I was spared having to crawl in bed. She then was yelling at both of us, “either get in bed right now, or leave! It’s dangerous here!” So we skeedaddled out of there. Sometimes it is easier to just leave than to figure out how to satisfy her.

Today, we were installing an alarm so they know when she gets up in the night. She’s been falling regularly, and refuses to ask for help when getting out of bed. Therefore we had to install an alarm. SHE was convinced we were moving in. So she was going around and around the halls and every time she passed her room she would peek in and tell me she was glad we were settling in well. She kept telling me she could find a big chair to sleep in somewhere so we could have the room to ourselves. When I told her we weren’t sleeping here, she was really sad. It breaks my heart to not be caring for her at home. But when I try to help her use the toilet, I am reminded that I just can’t do it. I felt the familiar twinge in my back that usually means several days of pain. Glad there’s a call button to make a caregiver come running.

A lady came up to me, and said, “can I step on you?”

Confused, I asked “Excuse me?”

She said, “what’s your name?”

“Linda,” I replied.

“Then you don’t think you can do that?” she asked.

“No, I don’t think I can.” I answered.

Another little conversation with a lady was, “do you have the cards in order?”

“I think so”, I replied.

“Good!” she said as she wheeled away.

Sometimes these little conversations with people there make me feel like I am in the Hundred Acre Wood, and sometimes like Alice in Wonderland. Today a man was walking down the hall carrying a toilet and dripping water everywhere. Turns out my mother in law isn’t the only one having toilet trouble. He was a repair guy but he said, “This toilet is playing Taps!” More dreamland feelings. LOL…. all of it makes me feel like dancing down the hall and joining in the insanity. Most of the time I don’t feel far from there!

And then there’s Rita. She wanders around with no expression, so you think there must be nobody home. She keeps walking into my mother in law’s apartment, goes straight into the bathroom and looks in the shower. One day she started trying on my mother in law’s shoes! Yet if you talk to her, she replies, and sounds relatively “here”. Her actions just don’t match what she says. She goes into everyone’s room most days, they say. So does my mother in law, so we can’t complain she’s here! We just say, “hi, Rita!” and guide her out. Just point her in another direction, and she just walks in a line until she gets to a wall, then turns and goes another direction. Kind of like those vacuum cleaners that you just turn on and they go all over. Some people make sense here, others do not. Some know who they are, some do not. Some know WHERE they are… and others don’t. My mother in law is aware she’s in Stockton, and not happy about that. She’s aware of who she is, and mostly aware of who WE are, although sometimes Kerry is her father, or her brother… it confuses her that people are taking care of HER instead of HER taking care of them. She’s the nurse, after all. Decades of nursing mentality have survived. She wants to care for everyone, direct the caregivers in the best methods, suggest what foods are the best. She would run the place if she could. For a long time, she was convinced we were running a care facility. She kept telling us how it would be better. Today she said, “The place is going downhill since Kerry left.”

The last woman I talked to said she didn’t know why she was here, and that she had nobody, and nothing. She was crying. I comforted her the best I could, but she was not to be comforted.

Dementia robs you…. eventually, of everything. 😦

BUT…….. I love this poem I found, written by a man with dementia.

To Know Myself as God Knows Me

Oh God, I am losing myself to this disease

Slowly, but surely dementia eats away at me

Little by little it takes away what makes me who I am

But You, merciful God, continue to know me fully

Dementia can’t change who I am in Your eyes

To You I am the sum of all I have been and all I will be

And so You celebrate all of me and all of my life

You wrap all of who I am in love, acceptance, and forgiveness

So God, I ask You to help me step outside my moments of loss and grief

Help me know myself as You know me

Help me see that nothing of me is lost to You

Help me celebrate with You

Help me embrace your gifts of love, acceptance, and forgiveness

And help me know that it doesn’t matter how devastating dementia is

You will always and forever know me fully and love me deeply

For this I give you thanks and praise, God of my life.

http://brucebane.wordpress.com/2011/04/13/to-know-myself-as-god-knows-me/

I remember a story that Joni Eareckson Tada told about Corrie ten Boom…. the main point was that despite Corrie’s strokes and dementia, she never forgot the Lord.

And so that’s what I would pray, for all those at Villa Marche, all those that suffer from this horrible disease/condition…. that the Lord would be real and known even when they are past the point of knowing much else…

and from the old hymn…. O Sacred Head, now Wounded…

What language shall I borrow to thank Thee, dearest friend,

For this Thy dying sorrow, Thy pity without end?

O make me Thine forever, and should I fainting be,

Lord, let me never, never outlive my love to Thee.

Lucky Lucy

Welll.... I am side tracked from Barbies. I found this Beanie Baby doll, and with some research, found out she's Lucky Lucy. She is not in mint condition, part of her clothes are missing! So the first thing I made for her is a crocheted dress. She did have her red top and pants... here's what she's supposed to look like (right):

It is obvious that her clothes are not designed to be taken off and put on easily. Her pants rode down and kept coming off her bottom, so maybe they were fastened on securely at one time. My Lucy has no jacket or hat. I am going to add some snaps to the pants so she can be dressed more easily, since I want her to be actually played with! Her shoes are fastened on, so at least they are not lost.  The first thing I did was make her a dress. We were on vacation so with all that driving I had plenty of time to crochet. Now, we all know that a doll is just a doll, has no personality, and no feelings. But doesn't she look more relaxed, and more loved, already? :)  I also made a jacket for her. It's a lot of  yellow, but that's her (my) favorite color, and besides I found this big ball of unknown fiber in the thrift store (I love thrift stores... too much I suppose)... the ball is not very much smaller, even with a dress and jacket. 

UPDATE, February 2016..... I have now acquired two more Beanie Boppers.

Snazzy Sabrina I found at the thrift store. She was only a few dollars so she slid right into the basket of the shopping cart.

The latest is Paula Plappertasche.   She's a cutie. Her jacket was damaged, but I could make another if I get the itch to do so.
Here are the three girls in their basket. Lucy is wearing a dress and hat I found at the thrift store. They are soft cuddly cuties and I hope to have some fun sewing for them and finding some little girl who will love them. So do I save them for possible granddaughters or find another cutie or cuties? Time will tell and I will know what to do. Meantime, I will enjoy seeing their cute faces in my collection.

Still a little girl

dolls and such...
Well I have always loved dolls. Not so much for playing with them, but I did some of that, but of making clothes and furniture for them. I guess I am still a little girl.


My mom used to knit sweaters for my dolls. This is the first one I did. Now that I've done this, I want to do more. :) I got some gold sparkly crochet thread and next time I go to my mom's I'll do it... because we end up sitting around talking, and I can't stand not to have my hands busy.

I got some Only Hearts Club dolls. Three of them.... Olivia Hope, Karina Grace, and Lily Rose. Olivia and Karina because of their names, my daughter Olivia Grace. Lily Rose because she is strawberry brown with freckles. I wanted to get them more shoes, and found them here. Intricate little shoes. It will be fun to make them each a little wardrobe. You can get little sleeping bags and such for them, but I have some fleece scraps which will do nicely.

I found out that their bodies are similar in size to the Blythe dolls, which I don't like because of their oversize heads, but I may be able to make some more clothes for them, I downloaded some free patterns,  Will see if they work.

Now we will see if the Idea Girl will finish what she started.

I sure go off in other directions easily. Here's what I did.... I just did the blue one, fitting it on the doll as I went. So I wrote down what I did, and then did the gold one, and changed it a bit for the green one. Trying to decide if people would like the pattern enough to buy it? Don't even know how to go about it...



And then there are the fabric clothes I have made. The recipient loved them :)

 July 11th

Saw this pretty soft yarn and thought about making a doll jacket with it. The first thing I did was make a shrug. Easy. ch 30, sc in back loops for six rows. Sew together at the ends for sleeves. It's hard to get on her, because of her fingers. I just put my fingers in the sleeves while easing it on her. Looks good. Not for the littlest Barbie lovers though.

Found a scrap of blue flowered that I will make a dress from. As soon as I get the living room clean.... <3 p="">

Barbie's new dress

Barbie has a new dress...

Quick and easy. I can see this is going to be extremely versatile, long skirt, slim skirt, straps, cap sleeves... this one is for a little sweetie's birthday party tomorrow. Doll Not Included. I got her a couple commercial outfits, because I just didn't know how much sewing I would get to do. And glad I did-- this one is all I had time for! This blog has some other ideas I am going to try as well.

Sewing has been frustrating with the loss of my machine cord. It is going to cost at least $80 to replace. So I bought a teensy Dritz machine for $19.95 at Walmart. So far have patched two pairs of pants and made this dress. It isn't heavy duty of course but I think it will be fine for little stuff. It is battery operated...
 I like the way the dress turned out, and have some other fabric scraps to use. This is from a fat quarter, it uses just 5 inches of the fat quarter so I could make a few from the fat quarter. 

So a satisfying time making her dress! I got a few other pieces to make others, so I guess MY Barbie collection will be well dressed, unless I give more away...

There's a great tutorial for this dress here:

http://www.craftinessisnotoptional.com/2010/08/barbie-dress-tutorial.html 

I did it a bit differently because I wanted the top lined. Turned out great! See what else I've been up to with dolls here...

be still...

JUNE 22, 2012

be still…

all I can think of is, breathe. More overwhelm than I want to mention out here in blog-land, even though I don’t think anyone reads what I write but me myself and I…

I see a picture in my mind. A bird in a nest, in the middle of a storm. Sorrow and grief and worry all tumble around me. I don’t know how or when this will end. Feeling like somehow I will get sucked up into the swirling tornado.

And yet, I am just watching the wind. Kind of in a daze. Like the freeze motion pictures…

The results of the storm are really quite beautiful, if we look at God’s perspective. From my perspective, it is pretty horrible…. thinking about a satellite view, a storm is just a swirl, it doesn’t look dangerous.

God is in control, God is in control… I will choose to wait in silence, instead of screaming like I feel like. I will trust You, Lord, even if I don’t understand.

So my thankfulness is only that today, Lord, that You know what You are doing, and I don’t, and that’s ok.

reluctantly thankful...

JUNE 15, 2012

 

Tonight I don’t even WANT to be thankful. I want to be angry. Of course, writing it makes me laugh at my childish behavior. I am thankful…

 that E. is safe after her attempt at escape from “the prison” (the facility she is now in where she doesn’t want to be…

that we have running water and don’t have to worry about contaminated drinking water…

air conditioning! Crazy that we have machines to even cool the air so we can be more comfortable.

for my “servants” the microwave, the stove, the oven, the dishwasher, the clothes washer and dryer… we have it oh so easy here in America. for the most part we don’t even SEE how easy and comfortable we are.

electricity. We take so much for granted.

That V. came through her surgery well today

That Suz is doing all right after her last session of chemo…

for the visit with my sweeties. Still thankful for that. I think it is okay to be thankful for that again. 🙂

 for the berries that are quickly ripening

potatoes!!!!potatoes!!!

And thank You, Lord, that my thankfulness is no longer reluctant. You are so amazing. I am continually blessed by how You change my attitude with my obedient heart. And thank You for the gift of that obedient heart. ❤

tough.

JUNE 7, 2012

 

It is so difficult dealing with my mother in law’s dementia. Tonight she told me it was MY influence over her son that made him put her in such a place. I know that isn’t true, but it still stings that she would say that.

rejoicing in trials....

 JUNE 4, 2012

rejoicing in trials…

I am sure I don’t understand why most of the time, why we are to rejoice in our trials. Our trials make us look to Jesus, that’s one reason. But why a musician should get arthritis is a hard one to be thankful for, and E’s dementia. Well, because of the episodes, K is finally convinced (I think) that it is time to put E somewhere she can be safe… I feel tremendously guilty that I can’t seem to deal with it… but the other night she was violent and attacking the caregiver, so we have to figure out how to manage it, at the very least. Be thankful? Lord I believe, help my unbelief, I will be thankful for whatever you bring my way, and do that in faith and not by sight. I can’t see. Such as where is my sewing machine cord… can’t sew without it, E’s machine is not functioning well. Be thankful? I am seeing that being thankful is not the same as figuring out why I should be. I have to be thankful NO MATTER WHAT. I go back yet again to the Holocaust. Living in a flea and louse infested place with very little to wear and a lot of hard work and maybe die there…. thankful? And yet.

Quotes from Corrie ten boom, a holocaust survivor…

“Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God.”

“If you look at the world, you’ll be distressed. If you look within, you’ll be depressed. If you look at God you’ll be at rest.”

“Happiness isn’t something that depends on our surroundings…It’s something we make inside ourselves.”

“Trying to do the Lord’s work in your own strength is the most confusing, exhausting, and tedious of all work. But when you are filled with the Holy Spirit, then the ministry of Jesus just flows out of you.”

“Don’t bother to give God instructions; just report for duty.”

“You can never learn that Christ is all you need, until Christ is all you have.”

“If God has shown us bad times ahead, it’s enough for me that He knows about them. That’s why He sometimes shows us things, you know – to tell us that this too is in His hands.”

“And our wise Father in heaven knows when we’re going to need things too. Don’t run out ahead of Him.”

“There is no pit so deep, that God’s love is not deeper still.”

And so.

Thankful for this stuffy nose, sneezing, and pounding head

 thankful for the rain today

the snow peas I ate while I harvested… and that I got more than I ate into the house

there are still 6 more hills of potatoes

that I have friends who pray for me.

that E has a dr appointment tomorrow and we will make some progress finding E a permanent home…. bittersweet

that she has the money to do it

that I am making progress in the middle bedroom

that I have a wonderful bed to sleep in

thankful that I can be thankful for things more than one time… and thankful for the challenge that started this journey to having a thankful attitude… and thankful for the work that the Lord has done in my heart through this challenge.

So I am not exactly happy that I have this allergy/cold and that my fingers are getting more arthritic BUT I am thankful for whatever God is going to teach me through these trials. And I am not happy about the journey E is currently on, but I am thankful for the resources to help us.

Thank you Lord for birds that sing (even in the night)

Thank you Lord for everything.

assisted living...

JUNE 2, 2012

  

She is now in an assisted living facility. So far she has tried to escape several times and successfully escaped once. She is convinced that we put her in jail so she is really really angry. She insists that we didn’t talk about it ( we did; for TWO YEARS) and just keeps saying things like “he didn’t use to be this way” (about K) and saying that this isn’t the way you treat people…

It’s hard, and we have to keep reminding ourselves, DEMENTIA… we can think she is understanding something and then *poof* she doesn’t remember. She remembers SOME things (that she fell into the mud with her walker) which is good, but not others (that her hip bone is dead). Right now she is not wanting to talk to us because we abandoned her. Of course we did not.

She was too much to handle. Both of us are exhausted. We have not slept in the same house (well, ONE night) for two years. We have sacrificed a lot to take care of her. Not bragging… that’s what families DO. If our marriage is going to make it, we have to spend time with each other and get re-acquainted. It is hard to know what to do, on the one hand, feeling guilty for not being able to keep up that pace. But both of us had elevated blood pressure, K is diabetic, we are not young. Do we sacrifice ourselves for her? Jesus calls us to sacrifice. Is that what He meant?

This started out as a funny page to me. It isn’t funny any more. Then I remembered that she stuck a banana in the recliner so no one would steal it, and I sat on it… and that the toilet paper was in the vanity drawer, and her shoes hidden in the bed… and she says that someone switched her shoes, but didn’t… she went into her neighbor’s apartment and tried to use his bathroom, and now she is convinced she has to share hers… lots of stuff would be funny if it wasn’t so awful that she’s losing her mind. I told her she’s getting quite good at moving her wheel chair, and she said she was practicing… she wrote a note of things she wants to learn, and one of them is learn to drive… oh dear. At least there isn’t a car to worry about. Only a 98-pounds-soaking-wet little lady who is an escape artist.  We have to laugh at whatever we can or we would go even crazier.

bereft...

MAY 31, 2012

 

is how I am feeling. Wish I understood why. Partly because I went to visit Evelyn and everything is crazy there. Her clothes are scattered around, I sat on a banana that she hid in the chair. Now that made me laugh. How can I stay feeling bereft when I am laughing?

                thankful for laughter in the middle of bereft.

                thankful for the visit today with friends and family

                thankful for the laughter with my grandson

                thankful for the fan that is bringing in cooler air tonight

                thankful for the bed that I will go fall into pretty soon…

personal dementia...

MAY 29, 2012

 

I am feeling like I have dementia myself. I guess you get that when you care for one with dementia. The last week has been really stressful. I tell myself, one day at a time. Today E. tried to escape from the facility we had to place her in last week. She got all the way to a gate, but lost her balance and fell in the mud. Good thing she didn’t get out to the street… I think if I was put in such a place I would react similarly. Praying for her, that she could adjust… the other day she cut up her dress and my poor brain has been trying ever since to make sense out of it. Not happening. Won’t happen. Getting my brain to stop trying is a different matter. I keep finding myself thinking of it.

Add insomnia to the mix. I think I am pushing myself to stay awake. I don’t understand that either. 🙂

flowery delight

Well Dave's Photography Challenge this month is flowers. I don't have time to edit them and submit them so am just putting them here since I want to. LOL

First the obvious lovelies...

	Grandma's yard has TONS of poppies this year. I am really enjoying them.
Roses are always a favorite both to grow and to photograph... and this is one of my favorite roses.

And then there are the ones that we usually miss...

	while out pulling weeds, I saw this... and remembered Dave's challenge. There was a ladybug crawling around but when I tried, it got away too fast. Didn't want to bug the bug, LOL
I love the color of this one. Soft peach. Too bad it is a weed in the garden. Maybe I will just leave it there...

jealousy...

MARCH 11, 2012

 

I guess I’m jealous. Jealous of those who have lived in the same house for the last sixty years. Jealous of those who do not have the compulsion to hoard, to not let anything go. I have been enormously successful at doing that, but I still agonize over things that are lost, such as my “old” home… my chickens, the garden, the hilltop where the wind blows. I miss those things so intensely… I just went out to look at the stars, and there are only a few to see. I was spoiled by the vastness there, by the darkness where the stars were so visible.

And yet, the old song says, This world is not my home, I’m just a passing through…and no I don’t feel at home. I want to be HOME… and somehow, I have to make this place home, because it is what God has given me.

Can’t give up. Want to give up. Can’t give up.

Lord have mercy on me…I hear that You are a jealous God, you don’t want us to have anything before you… and I want You more than I want a place, or anything… and yet, I yearn for a home. I’ve lived in this house for ten years. It has never been home. I hold everything at arms’ length, I don’t let it in, and then I wonder just why it isn’t home. It feels like there has been just too much hurt, I can’t open up, I must curl in and not get hurt.

But if I continue to curl in, there will be no one here. And that’s what I fear the most, that there will be no one here.

So does this make any sense at all??

silliness...

MARCH 8, 2012

 

it’s strange. I sit here and write on this blog that no one reads. Why does it satisfy me in the least? And then there’s the issue of going to bed. i am not really a night owl, but lately I can’t seem to make myself go to bed. It’s crazy. Has something to do with being here all alone. I don’t like it. If it was really just MY home would it make a difference? If it was, I would have a dog. I miss Chance.

I’m just being a spoiled, selfish little girl. When I go to bed I will cry. I keep trying to distract myself when what I need to do is just bring it all before the Lord, confess my silly selfish self and go to sleep. It will look better in the morning.

Thankful that I have a warm bed, a house, a roof over my head, a place to dig in the dirt. Sad that my husband is far away… in the same town but might as well be half a world away. Lord, have mercy on those wives whose husbands are far overseas, and who don’t know what their husbands will be like when they return. They make such sacrifices for the freedoms of others. The ones at home do too.

So I am going to stop whining. Jesus, I don’t know why you would love someone like me, but I am so glad you do…

and I have not been consistent in my 1000 thanks. But you know, it’s okay…

tomorrow is another day, and it is YOUR day, Lord, so I will rejoice in it.

dementia wars...

This is a photo I took for a photo challenge, and I titled it “Dementia Wars”. So sad that we have to tie the doors together so E. won’t escape. Seems dangerous somehow, in case of fire… but also dangerous are the cement steps outside and the cement steps that go down to the basement. One night she was convinced that someone was hiding in the basement and wouldn’t leave the door closed and locked. So  we had to resort to bungee cords. Her poor arthritic fingers can’t budge them…

Even though I’ve been through a lot these last couple weeks, it hasn’t been directly. Two friends in surgery, one in ICU with brain swelling. My dad a couple weeks ago, and this week my grandson.em.

Haven’t heard about G’s brain swelling. The S.’s surgeries went well, my dad is home, my grandson went home today. Lots to thank the Lord for…

Listening to Honeytree’s Doors and Windows. Good music…

imagination...

MARCH 1, 2012

can you have too much imagination?

Today I do. Our sweet grandson, not even two weeks old, is there in the hospital, fighting for his life. They’re running tests. I sit here in puddles of tears, because I can just see him, in my mind’s eye, with tubes going in and out, and poor babe not knowing what’s going on, or able to tell if there is anyone there in this nightmare. His Mumma is huddled there beside him, I know, missing her other three boys and her dear husband. And from here, all I can do is pray. And yet, that’s the most important, isn’t it, to continue to pursue relationship with this God of ours; a fiery, fierce, demanding relationship… breathing hot and alive. And then there’s G. who is in another hospital fighting for his life, losing the battle against the cancer that has invaded his brain. And there’s S. who will be undergoing surgery for that same enemy. And another S. who just had surgery to repair something in her head…. and all those that I pray for, friends of friends, children of friends, husbands, wives… those who have been stabbed with physical, emotional, spiritual pain.

And yet in the middle of it, we are to give thanks. And to believe that yes, God knows what He’s doing. So I pray for these all, knowing that God does not allow affliction for no reason at all. His purposes are only hinted upon; we do not usually see until later.

So Lord, I give thanks for you. And I give thanks for all you are doing in these lives. And I will praise you, even through my tears.

creativity...

trying to make a purse. I know it will be cute. But I am getting hung up on making it... Sometimes I think that using a pattern and someone else's idea is best because then it doesn't involve making decisions, you just go with whatever "they" say.
This is a really simple pattern that I designed years ago, when I was making tapestry purses. It was flat, with a rope handle. Silky rope. Lovely. And fringe on the edge.
So I am trying to adapt it to a little girl's quilted purse. I think I am overthinking. Put a gusset? Sew it flat? What kind of handle? How will I fasten on the handle? Should I use D rings so it will be adjustable or just guess?

Sigh. Too many decisions. But I HAVE TO GET IT DONE because the 9 year old's party is TOMORROW and I can't procrastinate any longer.

anxiety...

 JANUARY 27, 2012

  I find myself focusing on my heartbeat. It’s too fast. My blood pressure must be up. Maybe my blood sugar is off? Maybe I am dying or something…. see the familiar theme? I, I, I…. I Woman. A long time ago I wrote a poem about I woman and recognizing when I am being her. The I words, as I remember them. were Isolating, Irritating, Inconsolable, and I don’t remember the others… but I do recognize that I am being her, and she isn’t nice. Yesterday I was feeling all upbeat and now not so much. Oh Lord have mercy on me yet again.

 

Thankful for the stars. Remembering times when I have been away from the city lights and could see so many more of them. Missing home. Thankful that I had that home for a season…everything is indeed an astonishing gift. Thankful for getting a glimpse of that truth.

another car out of the shop… only one to go.  Thankful that we have three cars to drive even if all three are getting old… we seem to always have at least one running!!

Searching for thankfulness helps calm me down and prepares me for gentle sleep.

You know, I like the thankful ME. It makes me smile all the time, and really, circumstances are not any different, E.  still has dementia, I still haven’t held my new grandchild, I still have projects to finish up to my neck, and my hubby’s work situation is still bad. But Lord, You keep on giving and giving. I can see how much worse E’s mental state could be, and I live close enough to my children so I will get to see them often, and I have the talents and gifts to DO the projects… and hubby still has a job.

Thank You for loving me Lord, even when all I can see is just myself and when I don’t love when you put it in front of me. You are a wondrous, gracious God. Amazing that you love any of us. Thank You, thank You, thank You.

heartbreak... thankfulness...

JANUARY 26, 2012

heartbreak

So where does thankfulness fit in here? It breaks my heart to hear my mother in law tell me she wants to die. She wants to WORK. To do the dishes, wash the clothes. Hang them on the line. To cook dinner, to serve us… when now we can only serve her.

I can see MY thankfuls. Yet their brightness is dimmed when I see her fading from us. So these thanks are all of ours; there IS much to be thankful for; Lord give me wisdom to help her see the thankfulness instead of the sorrow… I know that we can be thankful we have had her this long (96 is a long lifetime!)

We can be thankful that she still has the majority of her mental alertness

we can be thankful that she can mostly dress herself, feed herself.

 we can be thankful that she still remembers us most of the time.

 we can be thankful that she can still live at home.

And so, the thankfulness can mingle with the anguish, the sorrow. Thankfulness is not always a jumping-up-and-down sort of thing. Sometimes it is a weary day’s ending.

new baby!!!!

JANUARY 22, 2012

we have a new child in our family!!

Baby Boy was born on Saturday around lunch time. He is a hefty kid already, over nine pounds. My son is beaming. I am wistful, watching, wanting to get my hands on this my first natural grandchild (he joins 6 other grandchildren; my husband’s, that I love as if they were my very own)

His other grandmother and I watched as he got his first checkup, shots, drops in his eyes, and although he was very actively kicking and waving his arms, he was not fussing like you would think a baby would when getting stuck with needles and prodded. He cried all right. But he quit quickly, and opened his eyes wide and stared as if he could see his grandmas loving him from behind the glass.

His mama, having had a C-section, was not up to having lots of people in there, so I decided to just be patient. On the way home, I regretted the decision, but it was already made. I know it was the right one. I will get to see him, hold him, cuddle with him…. and know him. I am so excited to KNOW him more than anything, this gift that God has given his mommy and daddy, and to see the ways God uses him in our lives….

 

the Boy.... dementia adventures

JANUARY 19, 2012

the Boy

Taking care of my mother in law  today, we had a discussion about The Boy. For the last few weeks, she’s been talking about him. One day, she told me that she had a little tiny baby, one that fit in her hand, and that she didn’t know what happened to him. I told her, that was your son! It really was, he only weighed four pounds when he was born. But she is sure there is a Boy that she had, a second son. According to her, she doesn’t know where he grew up, and is so glad he’s back.  The other day she asked my husband where he grew up, and where he went when he left. Poor guy, he was sure confused, having his mother ask him questions like that. He didn’t know what to think.

Later she told me that he was in jail for awhile, and recently came home. She wanted to know where he had been living.

Today, she told me that her son (my husband) and The Boy should go down to the basement together and clean out the water heater, because she’s afraid of the hot water.  I spent some time telling her that there is no Boy, only her son caring for her. She looked confused, then it seemed like she was starting to understand.

As the day progressed, we had some good reminiscing times, when she seemed to really get the facts straight. We talked and laughed. Then I said, “I’m going to make some cookies.”

She said, “Good! The boys will really like that.”

Sigh.

Rejoice in the Lord always... dementia adventures

JANUARY 18, 2012

Rejoice in the Lord always…

Today I’ve been thinking about thankfulness and rejoicing. In the middle of my day with Grandma…

I wondered where rejoicing went in all this. I was frustrated, angry, and in despair, not knowing what to do next for poor Grandma, who was in some Angry World today. She yelled at me, accused me of stealing, was angry that people were taking care of her… and all I could think was How do I rejoice in this?? I did start to laugh, thinking about the book C&C&V and I are doing, Every Day a Friday…. and I’m thinking, Friday the 13th you mean, LOL

It seems to me that God is teaching me how to not get “all bunched up” when things are wacky. I could just feel my blood pressure rising at the 110th time arguing about the fact that nobody is stealing her underwear. And there I am again, defending the sweet girls that help out on other days. And telling her again that “the boy” that is caring for her is her SON…. she doesn’t remember. She is sure that he’s a son she doesn’t remember, a DIFFERENT one than K. Sigh. It must be breaking his heart.

Anguish… is that part of joy somehow? Is “joy” something different than I think it is? We’re supposed to “Consider it pure joy” when we have trials. We are learning perseverance.  We are to “let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything” (James chapter 1) So in spite of the anguish, we can be thankful that God is working in us, or working in the person we are with… because we can trust He’s doing either one or the other.

what a stinker.... dementia adventures

 JANUARY 18, 2012

what a stinker!!

Another day of taking care of Evelyn after not being there for awhile. She started off arguing about so many things. She insisted that since it was her house, she was in charge of who came and went. I told her she didn’t have a choice. Those words were not MY best choice, however, we ended up arguing. I always say, don’t argue, but then there’s always something. She said she was glad she was getting to know “that boy” who she is convinced is a son she forgot about (really my husband). She KNOWS it isn’t her son. It is some young college boy who is helping out. I told her it was NOT a young boy, it was her 60 year old son. She yelled at me about it. She was even cursing at me. She said she didn’t know what the **** was going on. She said we shouldn’t have “those girls” here and that they were stealing us blind. She said most of her underwear was missing. I get SO tired of fighting about underwear. I went to the bedroom, and it was stashed all over the bedroom. I put it all in one place and showed her. When I went back in there a few minutes later, it was tucked all over the place again. ARGH!!!!

We got breakfast, a bath, hair washed. I was going to set it. She said no. She has a perm, and if you just finger comb it, it turns out curly not frizzy. I tried to talk her into just letting it dry and she insisted she had to rub it dry. After it was all standing on end, full of electricity, she wanted me to style it. I told her I would have to wet it, she said no. I took some conditioner and rubbed it on my hands and ran it through her hair. It calmed down and was looking pretty good.

I had to be on the phone because her Life Line thing has been going off at 5 am for the last three days. It’s like having a 2 year old! Since she was going to the doctor, she wanted some perfume on. She had grabbed a bottle but couldn’t get it to work. She went in the kitchen, and I couldn’t run after her since I was on hold for a problem I HAD to resolve, and she was rummaging around in the tools and got out a pair of pliers. I got to her before she did any damage other than spilling perfume all over. What a stinker in more ways than one.

Just before time to go to the doctor, I caught her brushing her hair hard, glaring at me. I told her to stop, it didn’t need to be brushed again. She brushed harder. I give up, I thought. She brushed it for a good five minutes. It was all standing on end again.

She and K. got out the door to go to the doctor. I was wondering just what I was going to do, because I was supposed to go to a Bible study, and wasn’t going to have time to go home and change and shower… so I threw my sweater into the washer. Got it washed and almost dried–it was still in the dryer when they arrived…  and thank You Lord they got home with enough time for me to go home and change. I scrubbed my arms but that stuff LINGERS!! H. said I still smelled like perfume, but not too bad.

Thus ended a very exhausting day with E. And another one tomorrow. Hope she isn’t so argumentative.

milestone!!

It may not seem like much of a milestone... take two pieces of fleece, put together right sides together, sew around, leaving a hole for turning, turn it right side out, sew opening together by hand, topstitch all around... but it was the first time I allowed myself to sew since the Cat Incident. Sad but true. But the Fear has been Conquered... and ALL THE THREAD was picked up, and poor kitty spent the time in the back hallway since I can't trust her not to eat thread.
It's not a keepsake blanket. It is designed to be used... carried around by the corner and dragged in the dirt. Washed a lot. Eventually tossed in the garbage.
It's designed to be LOVED!!!!

from my other blog.... 2012 Hunter Gatherers

 JANUARY 16, 2012

hunter-gathers….

I have this strong urge to collect, to document, to preserve. Long ago it was “garaging” with my neighbor. Before that, it was Goodwill. My clothing allowance  ($3 a month in high school) could really stretch. Mom’s comments of “don’t you deserve better than that?” didn’t stop the visits. She came around, though. Now, both my mom and dad buy from The Hospice thrift store and are proud of their bargains!!

Rocks… as a child, picking them up and pocketing them every time we stopped somewhere. In seventh grade, I actually did a science project on rocks, and spent some time with a neighbor’s grandpa learning about rock cutting and polishing, and what different rocks were used for. Fascinating. I learned I was a “rock hound”. If not for the era (the sixties) I might have pursued a career having to do with rocks but instead dutifully enrolled in secretarial courses as recommended by my advisor. Massive Fail. The thinking at the time was that girls were just going to get married so why go to college. We’ve come so far in so many ways. And yet…. well that’s another post.

Collections, past and present… fabric. My first job when I was On My Own was in a fabric store. Who could resist 3 yards for a dollar or 50% off remnants? My grandmother and mother had taught me to sew as an eager seven year old. I learned how to pump the treadle just right and made endless clothes for my dolls. I graduated to an electric and a friend took me to buy my own and I made payments of a few dollars a month until, as a wedding present, she paid it off for me.  I still have that machine, as well as a few others… another collection. At one time, I sewed or gave away ALL my fabric. Until… I started working in a quilt store. Sigh. Now I am planning projects with fabric again, trying to whittle down my stash.

dolls. The gathering of them is mostly past. I bought porcelain dolls at thrift stores and restored them for awhile. I enjoy rescuing them. Haven’t done anything with them for awhile; trying to figure if I should try to sell them, and how if I did.

owls. I collected owls from when I was pretty small. Tiny ones usually. Now I have a little collection of owls my father has made for me.

craft stuff. oh my. I have been culling a lot of this, but I have a filing cabinet full of papers, card stock, craft instructions. There’s music in there too, and cookbooks. My goal is for all of that to fit in just one filing cabinet, and I am making progress.

rubber stamps. Yes this is a sub-category.

yarn. Also a sub-category, I am currently down to two boxes and a suitcase.

glass jars for canning. I have culled down to one cupboard of canning supplies. I haven’t been doing much except jams and jellies. Next year hoping for pickles again. YUM…

which brings us to cook books. I am down to less than 20. WOO HOO! Scanning and printing out the ones I want to keep, or sometimes just scanning…

pictures and such for hanging on the wall. Too many. But I am sentimental. There’s the card Heidi made, and the painting by a friend. There are the leaves gathered on a trip to Volcano. The map of the hills where I lived. Stained glass done by my uncle, son, and daughter. A painting by my aunt. The “life is a chair full of bowlies” puzzle I did. And of course pictures of children and grandchildren. Much too many. But I can cycle through them, right? The autumn-ish ones in autumn and change to the summery ones. Now to organize them so I can find them when I want to.

Then there are Containers. Baskets. Boxes. Plastic tubs. Suitcases (old ones, Very Decorative.). Many of my craft supplies are corralled in baskets. Looks good.

Pillows. I have about six different sets of bed pillows, not in use all the time. There’s the appliqued one. The green one with the lace heart on it. The two incredibly soft purple corduroy ones. The BRIGHT plaid patchwork ones. The candlewicking ones that were my aunt’s. The ones that match the patchwork quilt that Chandra gave me. They too can be “cycled”. But where do you store all this stuff?? I have the quilt made by my great-grandma. The one my grandma made fell apart. I also had one that my grandma, great grandma and mother made. That one was loved to death. But there are pieces around, I was going to frame and hang…. Then there’s the candlewicking quilt my cousin gave me, that my uncle had and was made by my aunt, mother, and the rest of the Needlers.

The biggest category is Keepsakes. I had to keep clothes the kids wore when tiny. And school pages!! I’ve ditched a lot of them but with five kids… well…

So how does this all fit in with Living Frugally, Decluttering… making space to actually LIVE in the house instead of surrounded by STUFF….

And yes I have dealt with a LOT of stuff. When I moved, I got rid of perhaps 1/3 of all I owned. It was intensely traumatic. Little by little I shove stuff out, in the garbage, to Goodwill. I am not spending much Thrift Store time, and limit myself to things I actually NEED and/or have been looking for. I found some photo holders to use in the slide scanning project. I also bought a Christmas tin with snowmen on it. Oh I didn’t mention the snowmen. Or books. I have gotten rid of boxes and boxes of books. But I brought in a few. These days, I pass them on to my mom, and she donates them to the library. Good system.

So the plan is to just keep on pushing things out the door as I can. There are a few things I have regretted giving up. So I must be careful to be sure. No tossing when angry.

It really helped me to see that gathering-preserving-documenting is just a part of my nature, and not BAD. I use that gift in other ways. Research. I help others with their research. I find things that need a Little Help and restore them, and give them away. That’s the key, the Going Out part. To see my gathering as part of the flow of the river instead of the damming of the lake. To let things go. What kind of steward of the gifts am I if they sit in my closet for 50 years and then go to landfill?? So I agree with myself to just Let Go.

And I sure have been interested in photography. Taking tons of pictures. They don’t clutter up anything but the camera and the computer. 😉

no sewing. grr..

well no sewing got done. Planning for tomorrow. Hoping for tomorrow. Praying. Did take down the tree and put it outside. Was exhausted by the time I finished.  This looks like a tiny tree but it really is in the background. I love the lights and am glad I took lots of pictures.

goalies

(goalie) goalkeeper: the soccer or hockey player assigned to protect the goal.

I seem to have goalies too. Things that keep me from reaching my goals. Such as... silly excuses. I haven't been able to find my sewing machine cord. So I brought over my mother in law's machine so I could work.

Nada. Nothing done.   ???????  what's up with that??

What are the goalies here.... computer, definitely. I end up on facebook, playing games, or blogging, LOL, but not sewing. Even good stuff, like cleaning. Baking. Cooking. Getting the Kitchen Cleaned. All good, all necessary. But WHAT ABOUT SEWING?

Thinking I am going to have to be tricky to outsmart all the goalies. It can even be persimmon bread.... it's calling me. Why do I have such resistance to sewing? I'm afraid of leaving just one little thread that the cat would eat and then it would be disaster again. But there is such a thing as a door.... to put the cat on the other side of. Also, I have a vacuum cleaner, that would clean up any residue. Still, I hesitate. But how is Gwen going to get her purse by her birthday if it doesn't get done??

Oh, kitty....... Just like a lot of things in life (cars, for instance, which have spent lots of $$$ in the shop lately) there is a love-hate thing going on with the cat. It is so lovely (sadly, so rare) to sit with a warm kitty in my lap. This one will turn on you if you don't pet her Properly and it isn't always clear what that is.

Back to the sewing. Since I am writing this down, I expect myself to at least get SOME of it done within the next hour. At the very least, get it all ready and cut out and gathered. so........ timer set. GO!!!

And watch out, you goalies..