creativity...

trying to make a purse. I know it will be cute. But I am getting hung up on making it... Sometimes I think that using a pattern and someone else's idea is best because then it doesn't involve making decisions, you just go with whatever "they" say.
This is a really simple pattern that I designed years ago, when I was making tapestry purses. It was flat, with a rope handle. Silky rope. Lovely. And fringe on the edge.
So I am trying to adapt it to a little girl's quilted purse. I think I am overthinking. Put a gusset? Sew it flat? What kind of handle? How will I fasten on the handle? Should I use D rings so it will be adjustable or just guess?

Sigh. Too many decisions. But I HAVE TO GET IT DONE because the 9 year old's party is TOMORROW and I can't procrastinate any longer.

anxiety...

 JANUARY 27, 2012

  I find myself focusing on my heartbeat. It’s too fast. My blood pressure must be up. Maybe my blood sugar is off? Maybe I am dying or something…. see the familiar theme? I, I, I…. I Woman. A long time ago I wrote a poem about I woman and recognizing when I am being her. The I words, as I remember them. were Isolating, Irritating, Inconsolable, and I don’t remember the others… but I do recognize that I am being her, and she isn’t nice. Yesterday I was feeling all upbeat and now not so much. Oh Lord have mercy on me yet again.

 

Thankful for the stars. Remembering times when I have been away from the city lights and could see so many more of them. Missing home. Thankful that I had that home for a season…everything is indeed an astonishing gift. Thankful for getting a glimpse of that truth.

another car out of the shop… only one to go.  Thankful that we have three cars to drive even if all three are getting old… we seem to always have at least one running!!

Searching for thankfulness helps calm me down and prepares me for gentle sleep.

You know, I like the thankful ME. It makes me smile all the time, and really, circumstances are not any different, E.  still has dementia, I still haven’t held my new grandchild, I still have projects to finish up to my neck, and my hubby’s work situation is still bad. But Lord, You keep on giving and giving. I can see how much worse E’s mental state could be, and I live close enough to my children so I will get to see them often, and I have the talents and gifts to DO the projects… and hubby still has a job.

Thank You for loving me Lord, even when all I can see is just myself and when I don’t love when you put it in front of me. You are a wondrous, gracious God. Amazing that you love any of us. Thank You, thank You, thank You.

heartbreak... thankfulness...

JANUARY 26, 2012

heartbreak

So where does thankfulness fit in here? It breaks my heart to hear my mother in law tell me she wants to die. She wants to WORK. To do the dishes, wash the clothes. Hang them on the line. To cook dinner, to serve us… when now we can only serve her.

I can see MY thankfuls. Yet their brightness is dimmed when I see her fading from us. So these thanks are all of ours; there IS much to be thankful for; Lord give me wisdom to help her see the thankfulness instead of the sorrow… I know that we can be thankful we have had her this long (96 is a long lifetime!)

We can be thankful that she still has the majority of her mental alertness

we can be thankful that she can mostly dress herself, feed herself.

 we can be thankful that she still remembers us most of the time.

 we can be thankful that she can still live at home.

And so, the thankfulness can mingle with the anguish, the sorrow. Thankfulness is not always a jumping-up-and-down sort of thing. Sometimes it is a weary day’s ending.

new baby!!!!

JANUARY 22, 2012

we have a new child in our family!!

Baby Boy was born on Saturday around lunch time. He is a hefty kid already, over nine pounds. My son is beaming. I am wistful, watching, wanting to get my hands on this my first natural grandchild (he joins 6 other grandchildren; my husband’s, that I love as if they were my very own)

His other grandmother and I watched as he got his first checkup, shots, drops in his eyes, and although he was very actively kicking and waving his arms, he was not fussing like you would think a baby would when getting stuck with needles and prodded. He cried all right. But he quit quickly, and opened his eyes wide and stared as if he could see his grandmas loving him from behind the glass.

His mama, having had a C-section, was not up to having lots of people in there, so I decided to just be patient. On the way home, I regretted the decision, but it was already made. I know it was the right one. I will get to see him, hold him, cuddle with him…. and know him. I am so excited to KNOW him more than anything, this gift that God has given his mommy and daddy, and to see the ways God uses him in our lives….

 

the Boy.... dementia adventures

JANUARY 19, 2012

the Boy

Taking care of my mother in law  today, we had a discussion about The Boy. For the last few weeks, she’s been talking about him. One day, she told me that she had a little tiny baby, one that fit in her hand, and that she didn’t know what happened to him. I told her, that was your son! It really was, he only weighed four pounds when he was born. But she is sure there is a Boy that she had, a second son. According to her, she doesn’t know where he grew up, and is so glad he’s back.  The other day she asked my husband where he grew up, and where he went when he left. Poor guy, he was sure confused, having his mother ask him questions like that. He didn’t know what to think.

Later she told me that he was in jail for awhile, and recently came home. She wanted to know where he had been living.

Today, she told me that her son (my husband) and The Boy should go down to the basement together and clean out the water heater, because she’s afraid of the hot water.  I spent some time telling her that there is no Boy, only her son caring for her. She looked confused, then it seemed like she was starting to understand.

As the day progressed, we had some good reminiscing times, when she seemed to really get the facts straight. We talked and laughed. Then I said, “I’m going to make some cookies.”

She said, “Good! The boys will really like that.”

Sigh.

Rejoice in the Lord always... dementia adventures

JANUARY 18, 2012

Rejoice in the Lord always…

Today I’ve been thinking about thankfulness and rejoicing. In the middle of my day with Grandma…

I wondered where rejoicing went in all this. I was frustrated, angry, and in despair, not knowing what to do next for poor Grandma, who was in some Angry World today. She yelled at me, accused me of stealing, was angry that people were taking care of her… and all I could think was How do I rejoice in this?? I did start to laugh, thinking about the book C&C&V and I are doing, Every Day a Friday…. and I’m thinking, Friday the 13th you mean, LOL

It seems to me that God is teaching me how to not get “all bunched up” when things are wacky. I could just feel my blood pressure rising at the 110th time arguing about the fact that nobody is stealing her underwear. And there I am again, defending the sweet girls that help out on other days. And telling her again that “the boy” that is caring for her is her SON…. she doesn’t remember. She is sure that he’s a son she doesn’t remember, a DIFFERENT one than K. Sigh. It must be breaking his heart.

Anguish… is that part of joy somehow? Is “joy” something different than I think it is? We’re supposed to “Consider it pure joy” when we have trials. We are learning perseverance.  We are to “let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything” (James chapter 1) So in spite of the anguish, we can be thankful that God is working in us, or working in the person we are with… because we can trust He’s doing either one or the other.

what a stinker.... dementia adventures

 JANUARY 18, 2012

what a stinker!!

Another day of taking care of Evelyn after not being there for awhile. She started off arguing about so many things. She insisted that since it was her house, she was in charge of who came and went. I told her she didn’t have a choice. Those words were not MY best choice, however, we ended up arguing. I always say, don’t argue, but then there’s always something. She said she was glad she was getting to know “that boy” who she is convinced is a son she forgot about (really my husband). She KNOWS it isn’t her son. It is some young college boy who is helping out. I told her it was NOT a young boy, it was her 60 year old son. She yelled at me about it. She was even cursing at me. She said she didn’t know what the **** was going on. She said we shouldn’t have “those girls” here and that they were stealing us blind. She said most of her underwear was missing. I get SO tired of fighting about underwear. I went to the bedroom, and it was stashed all over the bedroom. I put it all in one place and showed her. When I went back in there a few minutes later, it was tucked all over the place again. ARGH!!!!

We got breakfast, a bath, hair washed. I was going to set it. She said no. She has a perm, and if you just finger comb it, it turns out curly not frizzy. I tried to talk her into just letting it dry and she insisted she had to rub it dry. After it was all standing on end, full of electricity, she wanted me to style it. I told her I would have to wet it, she said no. I took some conditioner and rubbed it on my hands and ran it through her hair. It calmed down and was looking pretty good.

I had to be on the phone because her Life Line thing has been going off at 5 am for the last three days. It’s like having a 2 year old! Since she was going to the doctor, she wanted some perfume on. She had grabbed a bottle but couldn’t get it to work. She went in the kitchen, and I couldn’t run after her since I was on hold for a problem I HAD to resolve, and she was rummaging around in the tools and got out a pair of pliers. I got to her before she did any damage other than spilling perfume all over. What a stinker in more ways than one.

Just before time to go to the doctor, I caught her brushing her hair hard, glaring at me. I told her to stop, it didn’t need to be brushed again. She brushed harder. I give up, I thought. She brushed it for a good five minutes. It was all standing on end again.

She and K. got out the door to go to the doctor. I was wondering just what I was going to do, because I was supposed to go to a Bible study, and wasn’t going to have time to go home and change and shower… so I threw my sweater into the washer. Got it washed and almost dried–it was still in the dryer when they arrived…  and thank You Lord they got home with enough time for me to go home and change. I scrubbed my arms but that stuff LINGERS!! H. said I still smelled like perfume, but not too bad.

Thus ended a very exhausting day with E. And another one tomorrow. Hope she isn’t so argumentative.

milestone!!

It may not seem like much of a milestone... take two pieces of fleece, put together right sides together, sew around, leaving a hole for turning, turn it right side out, sew opening together by hand, topstitch all around... but it was the first time I allowed myself to sew since the Cat Incident. Sad but true. But the Fear has been Conquered... and ALL THE THREAD was picked up, and poor kitty spent the time in the back hallway since I can't trust her not to eat thread.
It's not a keepsake blanket. It is designed to be used... carried around by the corner and dragged in the dirt. Washed a lot. Eventually tossed in the garbage.
It's designed to be LOVED!!!!

from my other blog.... 2012 Hunter Gatherers

 JANUARY 16, 2012

hunter-gathers….

I have this strong urge to collect, to document, to preserve. Long ago it was “garaging” with my neighbor. Before that, it was Goodwill. My clothing allowance  ($3 a month in high school) could really stretch. Mom’s comments of “don’t you deserve better than that?” didn’t stop the visits. She came around, though. Now, both my mom and dad buy from The Hospice thrift store and are proud of their bargains!!

Rocks… as a child, picking them up and pocketing them every time we stopped somewhere. In seventh grade, I actually did a science project on rocks, and spent some time with a neighbor’s grandpa learning about rock cutting and polishing, and what different rocks were used for. Fascinating. I learned I was a “rock hound”. If not for the era (the sixties) I might have pursued a career having to do with rocks but instead dutifully enrolled in secretarial courses as recommended by my advisor. Massive Fail. The thinking at the time was that girls were just going to get married so why go to college. We’ve come so far in so many ways. And yet…. well that’s another post.

Collections, past and present… fabric. My first job when I was On My Own was in a fabric store. Who could resist 3 yards for a dollar or 50% off remnants? My grandmother and mother had taught me to sew as an eager seven year old. I learned how to pump the treadle just right and made endless clothes for my dolls. I graduated to an electric and a friend took me to buy my own and I made payments of a few dollars a month until, as a wedding present, she paid it off for me.  I still have that machine, as well as a few others… another collection. At one time, I sewed or gave away ALL my fabric. Until… I started working in a quilt store. Sigh. Now I am planning projects with fabric again, trying to whittle down my stash.

dolls. The gathering of them is mostly past. I bought porcelain dolls at thrift stores and restored them for awhile. I enjoy rescuing them. Haven’t done anything with them for awhile; trying to figure if I should try to sell them, and how if I did.

owls. I collected owls from when I was pretty small. Tiny ones usually. Now I have a little collection of owls my father has made for me.

craft stuff. oh my. I have been culling a lot of this, but I have a filing cabinet full of papers, card stock, craft instructions. There’s music in there too, and cookbooks. My goal is for all of that to fit in just one filing cabinet, and I am making progress.

rubber stamps. Yes this is a sub-category.

yarn. Also a sub-category, I am currently down to two boxes and a suitcase.

glass jars for canning. I have culled down to one cupboard of canning supplies. I haven’t been doing much except jams and jellies. Next year hoping for pickles again. YUM…

which brings us to cook books. I am down to less than 20. WOO HOO! Scanning and printing out the ones I want to keep, or sometimes just scanning…

pictures and such for hanging on the wall. Too many. But I am sentimental. There’s the card Heidi made, and the painting by a friend. There are the leaves gathered on a trip to Volcano. The map of the hills where I lived. Stained glass done by my uncle, son, and daughter. A painting by my aunt. The “life is a chair full of bowlies” puzzle I did. And of course pictures of children and grandchildren. Much too many. But I can cycle through them, right? The autumn-ish ones in autumn and change to the summery ones. Now to organize them so I can find them when I want to.

Then there are Containers. Baskets. Boxes. Plastic tubs. Suitcases (old ones, Very Decorative.). Many of my craft supplies are corralled in baskets. Looks good.

Pillows. I have about six different sets of bed pillows, not in use all the time. There’s the appliqued one. The green one with the lace heart on it. The two incredibly soft purple corduroy ones. The BRIGHT plaid patchwork ones. The candlewicking ones that were my aunt’s. The ones that match the patchwork quilt that Chandra gave me. They too can be “cycled”. But where do you store all this stuff?? I have the quilt made by my great-grandma. The one my grandma made fell apart. I also had one that my grandma, great grandma and mother made. That one was loved to death. But there are pieces around, I was going to frame and hang…. Then there’s the candlewicking quilt my cousin gave me, that my uncle had and was made by my aunt, mother, and the rest of the Needlers.

The biggest category is Keepsakes. I had to keep clothes the kids wore when tiny. And school pages!! I’ve ditched a lot of them but with five kids… well…

So how does this all fit in with Living Frugally, Decluttering… making space to actually LIVE in the house instead of surrounded by STUFF….

And yes I have dealt with a LOT of stuff. When I moved, I got rid of perhaps 1/3 of all I owned. It was intensely traumatic. Little by little I shove stuff out, in the garbage, to Goodwill. I am not spending much Thrift Store time, and limit myself to things I actually NEED and/or have been looking for. I found some photo holders to use in the slide scanning project. I also bought a Christmas tin with snowmen on it. Oh I didn’t mention the snowmen. Or books. I have gotten rid of boxes and boxes of books. But I brought in a few. These days, I pass them on to my mom, and she donates them to the library. Good system.

So the plan is to just keep on pushing things out the door as I can. There are a few things I have regretted giving up. So I must be careful to be sure. No tossing when angry.

It really helped me to see that gathering-preserving-documenting is just a part of my nature, and not BAD. I use that gift in other ways. Research. I help others with their research. I find things that need a Little Help and restore them, and give them away. That’s the key, the Going Out part. To see my gathering as part of the flow of the river instead of the damming of the lake. To let things go. What kind of steward of the gifts am I if they sit in my closet for 50 years and then go to landfill?? So I agree with myself to just Let Go.

And I sure have been interested in photography. Taking tons of pictures. They don’t clutter up anything but the camera and the computer. 😉

no sewing. grr..

well no sewing got done. Planning for tomorrow. Hoping for tomorrow. Praying. Did take down the tree and put it outside. Was exhausted by the time I finished.  This looks like a tiny tree but it really is in the background. I love the lights and am glad I took lots of pictures.

goalies

(goalie) goalkeeper: the soccer or hockey player assigned to protect the goal.

I seem to have goalies too. Things that keep me from reaching my goals. Such as... silly excuses. I haven't been able to find my sewing machine cord. So I brought over my mother in law's machine so I could work.

Nada. Nothing done.   ???????  what's up with that??

What are the goalies here.... computer, definitely. I end up on facebook, playing games, or blogging, LOL, but not sewing. Even good stuff, like cleaning. Baking. Cooking. Getting the Kitchen Cleaned. All good, all necessary. But WHAT ABOUT SEWING?

Thinking I am going to have to be tricky to outsmart all the goalies. It can even be persimmon bread.... it's calling me. Why do I have such resistance to sewing? I'm afraid of leaving just one little thread that the cat would eat and then it would be disaster again. But there is such a thing as a door.... to put the cat on the other side of. Also, I have a vacuum cleaner, that would clean up any residue. Still, I hesitate. But how is Gwen going to get her purse by her birthday if it doesn't get done??

Oh, kitty....... Just like a lot of things in life (cars, for instance, which have spent lots of $$$ in the shop lately) there is a love-hate thing going on with the cat. It is so lovely (sadly, so rare) to sit with a warm kitty in my lap. This one will turn on you if you don't pet her Properly and it isn't always clear what that is.

Back to the sewing. Since I am writing this down, I expect myself to at least get SOME of it done within the next hour. At the very least, get it all ready and cut out and gathered. so........ timer set. GO!!!

And watch out, you goalies..