I arrived March 11th to spend a couple days with my parents. Dad was doing pretty well, actually, considering he had spent the last few weeks in the rehab hospital. He had a good day with the physical therapist on Monday. By Thursday they could hardly awaken him. I got there and he was just sitting in his wheelchair, not particularly responsive. I did get him to sing "Show me the way to go home". But they took him back to bed.
At this point i think he was just getting tired; realizing that he was not going to be able to go home again. Mom and I had talked and talked and I told her that it was not going to be possible for her to take care of him any more and she agreed. She had struggled for a long time with it and sometimes I wonder where MY head was; expecting an almost-90 year old to be the caregiver. In my defense, we had started having a caregiver to come every morning to get him started and give my mom a chance to eat without having to help Dad. Can't blame Mom for not seeing. We have to take responsibility for our selves; but sometimes it is hard to see the problem from that perspective.
On Saturday, I was thinking of going home to do my laundry and such. I had talked to John B. and how I didn't know if I should go home. He said, "no. I've seen that look. Don't go home. It's not going to be more than a few days"
I am thankful that John said that to me. Otherwise I might not have been there.
Each day it became clearer and clearer that it would be soon. He stopped being able to see anything. It was like he was seeing what I couldn't see. I sure wanted to know what he was seeing and experiencing but we don't get to do that.
March 15: Sunday, he asked me what he should do. I told him it was ok to let go, that it wasn't the same as giving up. He was talking very fast like he had to get it all in. I told him that Mom loved him very much and so did I. I had talked to T, and gave him an extra hug from her. He smiled. He gave me a hug and patted me on the back.
March 16: I got to spend the day with dad, talking to him about Heaven and singing to him. I remember lying there on his chest, just wanting to hold on and not let him go. But I kept telling him it was ok to go... I remember tracing the cross on his forehead and consecrating him to God.
Monday night I couldn't sleep. I kept waking up. At 3 or so I heard the elevator and someone walking in the hall. My heart started pounding, and I wondered if they would send someone up or if they would call. We got the call about 5:30 am.
March 17: my father died today. I would write it a million times and still would not believe it. I feel like cement. I can't move. I can't cry, I am just numb. I know that numbness is a gift from the Lord, really, and I don't want to get out of that numb feeling ever. I don't want to face his death.
March 18: I woke up early this morning thinking, why did I tell him to go? If I had just not said that, he would still be here. Rational thought takes over and knows that it was time. I don't have to like it. today I can say, my father died YESTERDAY which means we made it through a day. how can I bear it? I guess it is the usual one day at a time... I see that I was extremely fortunate to have a father at all... so many that I know do not. what a blessing God gave me!!
March 19: funny how it feels like the days are just creeping by. Tuesday I felt like cement. yesterday I was all wound up... a bit like that today. shake off the tension...the grief is a black ball kind of in the distance, yet I can see it in my head. DAY BEFORE YESTERDAY.
March 20: i still hate the sound. my dad died. DIED. I told him to go. He needed to go and mom will soon follow. it's okay, child. brother will too. Grandma's babies are all home. well done, Grandpa.
March 21: 4 days...nearly lost it when i saw the obituary...Made note to cry later since I was in the lobby. good-bad with John...his conversations about doctrines are confusing and slightly disturbing...Lord protect us and guide us...
March 22: almost feels like weeks instead of days. feeling like cement again. had my children around me... good. seeing grampa from their side...not by what they said but what they didn't say.
March 23: feeling like I can't get enough air. the grief is stifling....don't feel like I can express it yet... Must. Be. Strong. why?? Because of Mom. She's so on the edge. She will feel it like a ton of bricks when I leave.
March 24: Home. Cement again. I wandered this morning for awhile, around and around the blocks nearest our house. I am wondering how my mom is doing but can't seem to let myself call. He died LAST WEEK. Found out that Linda K. died the 17th too and Joan C. the day after.
Numb. I think I will stay here for awhile.
March 25: Sadness is the biggest today. Had cola (like having coffee but sounds odd!) with a friend. Hard to just be there and not overwhelm the conversation with my sorrow. Mom called and the death certificates and remains were delivered today and she said she was ok. It's hitting me hard. The reality of his being gone makes my heart ache. I have known for years that it was soon. I remember before wondering how I could bear it without having a heart attack. His gradual decline helped me I think; the biggest thing was I got to say goodbye and tell him it was ok to let go. Still, it challenges my faith in strange ways. Do I believe I will see him again or is that something I need to believe so it makes it easier to handle? Truthfully, my longing is not to see those who have gone before but to see the Lord face to face. But having my dad already going on ahead, I want to believe that I will see him again. Ultimately it isn't up to me, it's up to the Lord. So I take the doubts and fears and lay them at your feet, Lord.
March 26: The grief ball is grey now but it's huge. It's a quiet grief and not threatening to bowl me over. It feels like it is surrounding me but it isn't a bad thing. I am thinking of the good stuff. And thinking about my mom and how her grief is far deeper. A friend from long ago also died the day my dad did. The next day, an acquaintance from up the hill died. Another friend lost her baby at six months' gestation. A reminder of a couple things, I do not grieve alone.... and the life cycle goes on, birth, and death.
April 2: Sad, sad.... crying off and on. Another memory creeps in. Bittersweet. I scanned his garden book, that was good. I posted it online.
https://plus.google.com/photos/110061780493981559466/albums/6131515756736100017
Mom and I have been talking about how to honor his memory best and I think we are going to display some of his art work in a glass cabinet that is used to display such things, in the lobby. I miss him.
April 5: This is an anger day. I don't want to be grieving, I want my dad. Ok.... It is Easter Sunday and that part of me is filled with gladness, knowing that our Lord provided away of forgiveness for that anger. Thank You, Lord...
So. Going to turn from the anger and look forward to seeing my kids and grandbabies. Ahhhh a cuddle day. Now what was that anger about, LOL?
April 13: sad today. I miss the thought that I could go see him and give him a hug. I miss his pat on the back. I am thankful that he was awake that last day and I got to be there. I did not want him to continue suffering. I am glad that he didn't linger.
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