flowers.... I'm not creating them I just enjoy them!

well. Spring has sprung. Beautiful flowers are everywhere.



I'm loving to see them all in my yard and in other people's yards as well as "out in the country" where
it is all naturally arranged.

My roses are going crazy too. Beautiful pinks and yellows.


Geraniums. Snapdragons. That wild oxalis that took over the fern garden.

The hydrangea is in full leaf and waiting for blossoms.

The amaryllis is budding. Those were my dad's. He had such a green thumb.

One of my rose bushes is in trouble. Here is a picture of one of the roses. It looks like many buds all in one spot. I don't know what the trouble is. This bush always has problems with discolored edges on the roses and bugs love it. This one shows no bugs-- but it is sure deformed. Hoping that I can post it here and do a "search for this image" and figure it out.




Found out that it is called "bullheading". It is caused by low temps during flower production. Nothing to do but cut off the uglies and hope the next flush of roses is fine.

So ya learn somethin every day.

It’s raining. Inside of me and outside of this house. It’s pouring. It’s flooding inside, not so much outside. There’s flood control out there, not so much inside. I can’t stop crying. My heart aches. My head aches. I’m crying for the whole year I think, having been so strong for my mom since my dad died. Strong through two surgeries. Strong through her breast cancer. Strong through the death of friends… three in the last six months (the dangers of making friends where my mom lives). Strong through her depression and grief. Strong through my own. Now, with L's leaving,  the strength flew away. Now I cry and cry and cry some more. I just let it flow, knowing that in some ways at least it is a healing rain. I won’t cry forever. I know that. Right now it doesn’t feel like I will ever smile again.

 

So maybe this all will help me clear out my stuff. I had a dream, of kids and grandkids visiting me, having fun, sharing meals, sharing games. I have so far been a major failure of being a hostess to them. I hate the clutter. Right now I am thinking about dumping out a box and putting it straight in the trash. I would love to do it to the whole house. I am at the point I don’t care what anyone else thinks, it’s my stuff to do with what I wish. And I wish it GONE.

 

so how am I doing with this? Crying a lot. Not wanting to think about any of it. But can’t help it. Not being with J. and the new sweetie to watch them grow up…. I’ve been looking forward to being there; to help them raise their sweeties, to take care of them, to love them… to spend time with my daughter and her hubby… but it is not to be.

 

Am I overreacting? Absolutely. Because losing my dad and the knowledge that my mom is on the same journey has been very rough already and now with my daughter moving far away the grief of it all is choking me. Many many grandparents live far away from their grandkids. My own parents moved far away from their parents and only saw them EVERY TEN YEARS OR SO. That thought doesn’t help. Just because everybody else deals with it doesn’t make it any easier.

 

Trusting the Lord seems so very far away.  It feels like another rejection, another abandonment. Everyone I love seems to go away or die.. Everyone is just out of reach. Hubby tries to console me, offers to take me there… I am inconsolable. Truth is of course different. I have lots of friends, it’s just that most of them are still in the community I left. I left. I’m regretting that decision more every day. I don’t have my community family any more. They are still there; I am not. Here, I am not connected. I am only really connected to one friend, and she is not the type I tell all my troubles to. Even though I still have my hubby, I feel very much alone.

 

Maybe tomorrow will be better. It will feel good to dump that stuff. I’m going to shove as much as I can stand into the car and drive on over and donate it.  I don’t care if I regret it later. I need to go stomp it into oblivion. Maybe I will be able to tackle five boxes. Ten boxes.I cannot put it off any more. IT MUST GO…. I don’t want to lose any more kids. I need to be more connected. I have to have a place to invite them. If I had done this before, maybe….. maybe she would have stayed. Maybe she would be more connected to her brothers. Maybe she would have had more reason to stay. It makes me feel like it’s my fault. It wasn’t my decision, but…. it feels like there could have been something that I could have done…. something that would have kept them here, instead of far enough away that I won’t see them more than once, maybe twice, a year. JP will forget me. He will hide when I come, he won’t remember the tender times we have had. He won’t remember the time he followed me, stomping just the way I was, until we all dissolved into tears of laughter.

 

I will live through it. I am devastated at the moment but I will adjust. I will have to.

 

My heart says, if only I had agreed to come live with her, stay with JP. while she worked. If only I had I don’t know what. If only her brothers had loved her more. If only, if only. My boys are distant. Of all my kids, I am closest to her. And she's the one leaving.

 

She will go where she wants. Living close to me is not a requirement. I hate it that she is leaving me behind. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.

 

I know I am processing a very lot at the moment. It feels like way too much, like it will kill me. It’s all breaking my heart. But the sun will shine, and I will be fine, and I will love the grandchildren within my reach and maybe hold them a little more tightly…

too much sadness...

too much sadness. It's been almost a year since my dad died. My mom has been through two surgeries since then, and was diagnosed with breast cancer. I've spent a lot of my time with her this year, and between being with my daughter helping her and being with my mom helping her.... I was gone more than home. When I am home, I feel frozen and sad.

Now my daughter told me she and her family are moving out of state. I get it. The cost of living, vaccinations, job opportunities... great for them but awful for me. No more baby snuggles. She's having another, and will probably move before the birth so I won't get to be there when the sweet pea is new... not be there to welcome him or her to this world, not be there to have The Grandma talk. I know it isn't that I am losing my daughter; but so far away I won't see her often, maybe once or twice a year, if that. I won't see my grandbabies grow up in person, only on a computer screen and in pictures.

This grief is intense, as bad as when I lost my dad. As bad as when I almost lost my mom. It doesn't feel like I can live through this. I know I will. Makes it sound like I won't miss my daughter. We text almost every day, she sends me pictures... I hope that won't change. I will miss her a lot.... daughter snuggles are wonderful... and son in law hugs. And Important Discussions. And playing games. And it isn't like I have no other grandchildren. But this is the one I see most often, who lights up and points to me and grins when he sees me. M. lights up when he sees Grandpa; he warms up to me pretty quickly... the others are pretty little. J. has his other grandma right across the street. He doesn't know me very well yet.  I got to hold C. and A not too long ago, and hope to spend more time with them. C. L, and A I see often, and D, R, A, and M I rarely see. I am rich in grandchildren.

So I turn yet again, turn from the grief, know that I will get to see them as often as possible... no I won't be able to help home school, but I am getting the feeling L. doesn't want to.  I will survive. They will love their new home. I will not plead or try to hold them back. They have already decided and it isn't my decision.

Plenty of people live far away from their grandchildren. My own grandma lived in Minnesota and I only saw her a few times in my life. I never sat on her lap and sought comfort from her. She was a stranger to me.

But I was not planning on being that kind of grandma.