too much sadness...

too much sadness. It's been almost a year since my dad died. My mom has been through two surgeries since then, and was diagnosed with breast cancer. I've spent a lot of my time with her this year, and between being with my daughter helping her and being with my mom helping her.... I was gone more than home. When I am home, I feel frozen and sad.

Now my daughter told me she and her family are moving out of state. I get it. The cost of living, vaccinations, job opportunities... great for them but awful for me. No more baby snuggles. She's having another, and will probably move before the birth so I won't get to be there when the sweet pea is new... not be there to welcome him or her to this world, not be there to have The Grandma talk. I know it isn't that I am losing my daughter; but so far away I won't see her often, maybe once or twice a year, if that. I won't see my grandbabies grow up in person, only on a computer screen and in pictures.

This grief is intense, as bad as when I lost my dad. As bad as when I almost lost my mom. It doesn't feel like I can live through this. I know I will. Makes it sound like I won't miss my daughter. We text almost every day, she sends me pictures... I hope that won't change. I will miss her a lot.... daughter snuggles are wonderful... and son in law hugs. And Important Discussions. And playing games. And it isn't like I have no other grandchildren. But this is the one I see most often, who lights up and points to me and grins when he sees me. M. lights up when he sees Grandpa; he warms up to me pretty quickly... the others are pretty little. J. has his other grandma right across the street. He doesn't know me very well yet.  I got to hold C. and A not too long ago, and hope to spend more time with them. C. L, and A I see often, and D, R, A, and M I rarely see. I am rich in grandchildren.

So I turn yet again, turn from the grief, know that I will get to see them as often as possible... no I won't be able to help home school, but I am getting the feeling L. doesn't want to.  I will survive. They will love their new home. I will not plead or try to hold them back. They have already decided and it isn't my decision.

Plenty of people live far away from their grandchildren. My own grandma lived in Minnesota and I only saw her a few times in my life. I never sat on her lap and sought comfort from her. She was a stranger to me.

But I was not planning on being that kind of grandma.