what I've been up to... (musings)

DECEMBER 31, 2006

what I’ve been up to…

Christmas began the 17th of December, with stepsons 1 and 2 and their wives, and grandson 1 and 2. We all got together at great-grandma’s house (MIL), SHE says the last time, but she says that every year, she’s 91. And one of these years WILL be the last one; we’re planning on next year here, but if she’s still up to it, I know she’ll insist on there one more time. I admire her greatly. She’s active, both physically and mentally. She runs circles around me as I’ve said more than once. A good role model. Turkey with all the trimmings, including pumpkin pie, fudge, carmel corn… persimmon bars, snickerdoodles… yummy stuff.

Christmas Eve my DD came; we had dinner with DH, DD, DS 19, MIL, and me. Oyster stew. Frozen fruit salad. MY family traditional dinner for Christmas Eve. Delicious. I will put the recipes in my holiday planner notebook (started this year; too bad I didn’t do it years ago! What a help it was!)

Christmas Day, at DS 29’s house. His wife, her mom and stepdad, her grandparents, her cousin and his wife, my DS 23, DD 25, DS 19. All but DS 27. It was good- DIL made breakfast, and it took all day to open presents….

The day after Christmas, my mom and dad came to our house, along with DS 27 and his wife, and DD and DS 19 were there… and afterwards, we played Mystery Mansion. A good time. We need a new Mystery Mansion game, however, it is so old and the cards are soft, and you can tell from the back which are the keys… LOL!!

NEXT YEAR… better plans. But I did pretty well this year, I can see areas of improvement. But I am happy with how things went. We had all the present buying and wrapping done way early. It was nice not to have to rush at the last minute. Next year, we will work on calendars earlier! It was too rushed, and generally a disaster. But they got done, and delivered before New Year’s.

Wednesday we took DD home. It is always such a sad time, I hate having her live so far away, only 8 hours but STILL!!! She’s been my best friend her whole life. I am so thankful for the wonderful relationship that we have.

Thursday we got back here. I am seeing so clearly how I have so much planning to do. Menu planning. I used to have so much planned ahead, we will get back to that.

another friend gone...

 update 11/27/2020

It seems that we go through seasons of loss. Lu was such a special friend. She was one of those people who could laugh in all situations. She and Erla might have been cohorts. I have been blessed with friends. I can remember the good times and be thankful.

NOVEMBER 8, 2006

another friend gone…

Lost a dear dear friend today. Haven’t seen her much since I moved, but she was a special lady. Lu lost a leg years ago to a rattlesnake bite. For the last few years she hasn’t been able to get a prosthetic leg and has been confined to a wheel chair. She also lost her husband a few years before that. She loved the Lord so much. She used to say she had one foot in the grave… and that they were looking forward to being reunited!

Another friend died today as well. Didn’t know him well, but know his wife. Got a dog from them about 10 years ago! In the last 2 months, Bob, Bob’s son, Lois, Bev, Dean, and Lu.

More to join the worship service that is already in progress…

life statements...

update: 11/27/2020

my my that was an insane time. An interim pastor, hired someone new, he was unsure what the job was, so he decides to take a 2 week vacation and leave the training to me. Ummm........ looking back it's rather hilarious but I tell you being in the middle of it, was not. Fortunately, Ellen (the new hire) was great. We laughed a lot, and I basically told her what M. did, and we got through it...

 MARCH 19, 2005

life statements…

I’ve never been a goal setter, always lived in a reactionary sort of way. But as I write that, I realize that isn’t exactly true. My goals as I graduated from high school were to go to college, major in music, and teach. At that time, however (late 60’s) women were not exactly encouraged in those directions– at least my parents and friends… My parents felt it was rather a waste of time for me to go to college, after all, I was just going to get married and that would be that.

Never did figure out how to reach those goals. Due to circumstances, had no confidence. Got married– married a youth pastor, who could be safer?

Sigh.

From then on, I think I lived in a reactionary sort of way. I had 5 children, home schooled them, took in a foster child. I was a wife. In that scenario, I was so busy– I didn’t think much. I didn’t want to think. Just getting through one day was exhausting, and I shoved every discomfort and thought of taking care of ME away.

It took 20 years for me to get the nerve to deal with stuff from years ago. Ended up having a breakdown. In counseling for 6 years, I emerged– and DH couldn’t take that me. Divorced after 25 years of marriage. I got married right away– too scared to take care of myself.  Ended up being a good decision, fortunately I married a good man.

I’ve come a long way, but still have a long way to go.

Life goals– to be expanded.

1. To become a more kind, loving, person in such a way that celebrates my femininity. Explore ways of being more feminine without compromising myself.(2020, giving myself an eyeroll)

2. Continually work to improve my state of health and diminish pain.

3. Finetune my time management techniques, organizational skills, and boundary setting to make my work as efficient and enjoyable as possible.

I’m way behind, it is a horrendous season at work, Lent and all, in a liturgical church. Bulletins coming out my ears, and severe hip pain to complicate things. And would you believe, a funeral during Easter week to make it a total overload. Not as bad as it could have been, with my improved organizational skills. My boss is retiring next month, they have decided not to replace her. Guess who it all falls on?

My first response is to hightail it outa here. LOL… two others are already gone. I am in the process of training a new receptionist. A new person (small group leader, and we don’t even have small groups!!) will be here in 2 weeks, and the pastor decided to take a 2 week vacation… so the training is on guess who?? And I am training her for what? Ummmm…. dunno. I wish I COULD just run. I am thinking that this could be a tremendous learning opportunity. As well as an opportunity to get the office running in a more efficient way. Without a business manager, well… it’s scary. I will be dealing with all this stuff.

Trying to be more positive. It feels like there are these choices, either look up or down. Up feels like grabbing the opportunities, growing, living. Looking down, defeat and despair.

heaven...

 

Kind of a bummer… I wrote and wrote, and then it all went away. I wonder what I did wrong?

I was writing about Heaven. Wondering what it would be like. Obviously, I don’t really know.

A light wind in my face. Wildflowers everywhere, pink, blue yellow, purple… tall dainty stems.

All creation singing Your Praises, Lord. I can almost hear the voices, whispers at first, and LIGHT… JESUS is the Light…

I have always hesitated to picture what Heaven is like, I know that it will be different than anyone can ever imagine.

My grandpa wrote about Heaven. He said that he couldn’t imagine streets of gold, but give him some dirt to plow. 🙂

living in layers...

 JULY 17, 2004

living in layers…

Trying to explain how I think–

We do live in layers– we expose the parts that we feel are “socially acceptable” and hide the rest. It has always seemed so hypocritical to me. I have always felt like I should just be Out There, be Real, but when I have been, generally have felt rejected so go back into hiding. During some of the trauma times, I lost that ability to hide the rest– that’s when I “hermitize”

I was always a GOOD GIRL– I followed the Rules. But life doesn’t always follow the rules.

I was supposta grow up, get married, have children, live happily ever after.  Isn’t that what all little girls want? There was always some kind of resistance in me, like that wasn’t enough. But when I had children, life fell into place. I loved being mommy, so much so that when the time came for them to enter school, we decided to home school. I say “we” because it was my husband’s idea; at first I resisted, but then could see how good it could be. And it was, mostly.

One layer of my life was below that one. It was only inside. It was all the bad things people had done to me that made me feel unworthy, unlovable,  and dirty.  And I’ve been fighting that layer all my life;  it comes up at inopportune moments.

But God knows it all. He loves it all. He loves ME, through and through. Anyway. In spite of. Because of.

We will overcome. Job 23:10 (New King James Version) But He knows the way that I take; When He has tested me, I shall come forth as gold.

HE will produce gold.

my very first blog post, May 9, 2004

 updated 11/27/2020

This was the very first day I started my other blog. I haven't brought over all the posts yet, but it was like starting a new world, a new adventure. I had my website before this. Long ago, when the internet was merely a collection of bulletin boards, I ran into an ADD board. On that board was a woman from Israel that I became friends with. She taught web design with a company called Homestead. It was so easy!! So I had a great deal of creative fun with that. When I was home schooling my kids, I discovered that I LOVED working on the computer. No more retyping whole pages when you made a boo boo. No more taking out the stencil, painting the boo boo, and hoping you could get the typewriter lined up just right so the boo boo was invisible. It was exhilarating actually. Free to type as fast as you want and not worry about mistakes. And as I typed more on the computer, I got really fast, and the mistakes diminished. It helps that you just back space and type it again, and hardly notice.

When I started, I didn't really know what to do. Or what to write. Now I write nearly every day. And there's another topic, How I got Started On the Internet and Blogging and Actually worked in an OFFICE because of it. Wow. LOL

MAY 9, 2004

day one

here is today

time seems to sway

just going away

would like to play

So now I have a weblog. I am joining the millions of others that use this method of dealing with life. I know that I already know some of the answers… I’ve been this way before. Now, there are different situations, but still the same problems, dealing with things without internalizing, without stuffing myself with food, without letting things eat at my insides.

And so my plan is to keep writing in a general sort of way, without names in case someone somewhere in space is reading this.

And so, this is the beginning of the journey, and the end, and the middle.