listening to the Lord...

OCTOBER 30, 2009

listening to the Lord…

  What I plan isn’t always what actually happens. My plan wasn’t to be in that accident, or for my kitty to swallow thread, or the dog to get an ear infection… or for the washer to decide it has had enough, or for there to be a leak under the sink in the kitchen, or on and on.

My plan today was to write some of my fond memories of raising beef with my parents. That’s not happening, at least this morning.  I always want to listen for what God wants me to write about. He has given me this compelling desire to write; so I write. Sometimes I don’t have a clue. So I just pray. That’s what I am doing this morning.

Praying for my friend Kjaere as she ministers in San Francisco. She’s listening to You, Lord. She’s much braver than I am. She just jumped to San Francisco without a place to live or a job. She’s relying on You to provide her needs. Thank You for putting this into her heart; help her keep listening.

Praying for Becki and her ministry to those hurting and struggling to get out of the mormon church. She struggles physically and has a busy life yet takes time for her blog.

Praying for Ellen. She’s trying to listen too and struggles to understand what You are talking about. Bless her ministry; make her path clear.

Praying for David. He’s ministering far away. I’m sure he struggles too as he tries to listen.

Praying for Britt Merrick and his ministry in Santa Barbara. Right now, his 5 year old is fighting cancer.

Praying for Dennis Jernigan and his song receiving! He has blessed so many. And though I don’t know him personally, I know the God He serves. Praying for him as he struggles too. Praying for his wife and family as well.

Most of us are not obviously in a “ministry” yet we are. Show us as we go about our lives where we are shining for You. As we meet people, help us listen to and act upon those nudges that You give us. Struggles are a normal part of our human-ness; they remind us that WE are not the Answer, God is. Struggles remind us of our weaknesses and the fact that we must lean on our Lord! We are unable to do what He asks without His power in our lives. Thank you for the ministries of these friends. You are awesome, Father!

A Mighty Fortress...

 OCTOBER 25, 2009

a new song…

This dream last night has been in my heart all morning… it was by far the most intense dream that I can remember.

But just now there was a new song in my heart… an old one, for sure, by Martin Luther.

A mighty fortress is our God,

a bulwark never failing;

our helper he amid the flood

of mortal ills prevaling. 

For still our ancient foe

doth seek to work us woe;

his craft and power are great,

and armed with cruel hate,

on earth is not his equal.

2. Did we in our own strength confide,

our striving would be losing,

were not the right man on our side,

the man of God’s own choosing.

Dost ask who that may be? 

Christ Jesus, it is he;

Lord Sabaoth, his name,

from age to age the same,

and he must win the battle.

3. And though this world, with devils filled,

should threaten to undo us,

we will not fear, for God hath willed

his truth to triumph through us. 

The Prince of Darkness grim,

we tremble not for him;

his rage we can endure,

for lo, his doom is sure;

one little word shall fell him.

4. That word above all earthly powers,

no thanks to them, abideth;

the Spirit and the gifts are ours,

thru him who with us sideth. 

Let goods and kindred go,

this mortal life also;

the body they may kill;

God’s truth abideth still;

his kingdom is forever.

decisions (a dream)...

2020... this still brings tears to my eyes.

OCTOBER 25, 2009

decisions (a dream)

Standing there, in the doorway. My father was urging me to go. He said to run wherever I could find shelter. He was pushing me to go, go, go…  There were four of us, there, imprisoned by someone, I don’t know who they were. I could hear them whispering in the other room, but couldn’t hear their conversation. I came out of a room, and saw my father there standing in the doorway. He said two had fled. They knew where they could go.  He urged me to go after them.  And so I stood there, knowing that if I fled, my father would die, perhaps be tortured. If I did not run away, we would both die…

And then I woke up. My heart was racing and the tears would not stop. Part of me knew it was the cupcake and the cookie and that one last piece of candy and the party and going to bed with a slight case of indigestion. It was just a dream.  A horrible dream; but just a dream.

But part of me can’t slow down. Part of me knows there are those in this world that have had to make such decisions in this life. We in America are spoiled and soft. If (when) hard times come we will perish. We are living our lives in softness and peace. It will not always be so. It is not always so.

Lord, you have saved me for a reason. I certainly don’t understand that at all. There are so many that are so much better people than I… better speakers, better teachers, I am stiff-necked and selfish. Oh Lord, again I ask forgiveness for my weakness and thank You for your indescribable mercy!  I pray that You would shine in my life somehow, that I would remember that there may be times when we are called to suffer.   There are people out there who have already had to make that decision, should I go and live, but my father (or mother, or sister, or children) will die? There are those that have been forced to watch as their families have been brutally murdered, and somehow spared; some lived through the Holocaust when others did not; some live through famines and wars; only God knows why. 

I am thinking now of my father, my earthly father, who I know would die for me in a heartbeat. He would gladly give his life so I might live. But my Heavenly Father loves me even more. The thought that His Son Jesus suffered and died so I might live should shock me and grieve me just as much as that dream does. I saw in that dream a glimpse of the suffering. Just a little glimpse. I know I cannot know its depths.

And so I go on. It makes the struggles of life seem pretty trivial, doesn’t it? My car is smooshed, but will be fixed.  The cat is pulling out her hair. So I feel like pulling out mine! I can’t decide what to do with something.  I have a meltdown over silly things. Even though there are way more serious things going on in my life and in those around me, we can be sure that God is in control; and that He loves, He forgives. Our bodies may not survive, but we will… to dwell in His presence, forever.  

There are a couple of songs running through my head. One is, He is the King of the Jungle by Steven Curtis Chapman. He has certainly been in the jungle with the death of his daughter. He still knows the King of Kings.

 But the one that I am remembering more is this…. I think about verse eight of “O Sacred Head, Now Wounded”, a hymn from the 1600’s. It is a beautiful, haunting hymn.

        What language shall I borrow

        To thank Thee, dearest Friend,

        For this, Thy dying sorrow,

        Thy pity without end?

        Oh, make me thine forever!

        And should I fainting be,

        Lord, let me never, never,

        Outlive my love for Thee.

All of the words are here… http://www.iclnet.org/pub/resources/text/wittenberg/hymns/osacred.txt

And hear it here…

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AR6Hr0Am4Wk&feature=related

So thanks, Lord, for the horrible dream. And for Your great LOVE.

neurotic...

OCTOBER 16, 2009

neurotic

Wouldn’t it be nice if our walk was always neat and tidy and things were never out of whack? This morning I woke up to cat hair everywhere. Big tufts of it! I was kind of afraid to look for the cat, it looked like something died. She just had surgery, so hoped she had left alone her belly, but since her belly isn’t hairy, it couldn’t be that. But there’s a spot on her side where she pulled out all her hair!  It doesn’t look infected or anything but I called the vet just in case. She said not to worry, it’s a pretty normal reaction to the irritation of all she’s been through. We had been given one of those cone collar things and she told me to have her wear it for a couple days so she can’t bother it.

The dog is already wearing one. He gets ear infections and then won’t leave them alone and gets them raw and shredded. He’s got one now. Most of the time he’s okay with it, but sometimes it drives him batty and he runs around like a crazy dog.

The cat just runs around like a crazy cat right away. She just won’t tolerate it at all.

Just like me. I’ve been going through armloads of trials lately. Sometimes it makes me want to run around like crazy. But, just like those collars for the pets, it’s for my own good. Even though as a human I understand this concept, it doesn’t always stop me from running around like crazy trying to get out from under the trial. If only I would just submit to it, as something that is for my eventual healing, it could be easier! We are told to be joyous in our trials! What?? Joyous when my nephew is suffering with cancer, a friend has myeloma, when my car got smashed, when my pets are sick, when the roof leaks, when little 5 year olds are going through chemo, and my husband’s job may be ending?

The thing is, I have a choice to make. I can sit around and mope. I can crawl into my little hole and feel sorry for myself. I can rant and think it isn’t fair that my 35 year old nephew and 5 year old Daisy and my other friend with cancer are going through what they are.  I can hold on to that car and have a little tantrum that I have to give up my really nice car that wasn’t someone’s nearly worn out hand-me-down. I can let myself go crazy with worry about the people and pets that are sick.

OR…. I can put all things in the hands of my Heavenly Father. I think I end up doing both, and I don’t think that it is bad to grieve the loss of my car, or worry about my friends, nephew, and pets. There are times for that. We are not going to be 100% jumping-up-and-down joyous all the time. It is when I feel like pulling my hair and running away that I need to pay attention and go to the Lord. He is providing our needs!! He provides even when I don’t notice. Instead of drowning in my own self I need to commit that self to the Lord, AGAIN… and ask His forgiveness for my unbelief. I need to use the resources that the Lord has given– such as call the vet, to arrange for an appointment with my counselor, to talk to my friends, most of all to pray for my friends, my nephew, and for myself.  To stop and eat. To take a walk. Call my brother and see how HE is holding up with all this. To leave a message on Daisy’s blog (the 5-year-old with cancer– prayfordaisy.tumblr.com — and pray for others in similar situations. To take my naturally depressive, selfish, sinful self and turn around. Again. Thank You, Lord, for loving me even though I am all that and more. You have blessed me SO MUCH!!!   Even though I and my household seem to be neurotic.

positively

OCTOBER 11, 2009

positively

I try to maintain a positive attitude. With my naturally depressive nature, it is often a challenge, some times more than others.

It’s okay to grieve.  A few minutes ago I was crying so deeply that I could hardly breathe. I just got the news that my nephew’s survival prognosis is 2 years… at the most.  It is such a mixed emotional thing. I know God knows just what He is doing, and that He has a plan for Aaron, and he’s not done quite yet.  I grieve because Aaron is going through horrible things right now, especially the sickness of chemo. I know He is the Lord’s, and I am thankful. But I also know he’s in a lot of pain, discomfort, and downright SICK… so I grieve.

It makes my car issues seem positively trivial. And the cat is up and around, can’t worry about that.  The dog stopped digging at his ears. That’s good. My grandson’s birthday party was a success yesterday. THAT was good.

In the middle of all the chaos, I am reminded of that picture of a bird in a nest with the wind all around. God takes us in His arms, and comforts us. He reminds us that our life is but a breeze in the big scheme of things. He reminds us that if we would just look to Him, He will provide all we need.  He is already providing, we just have to see it!!

So that’s what I pray for Aaron, that in the midst of the nightmare, that He would be that little bird in the nest, with the wind blowing all around, knowing that the Father’s arms surround him, and that he is safe, no matter what the earthly outcome.