2020... this still brings tears to my eyes.
OCTOBER 25, 2009
decisions (a dream)
Standing there, in the doorway. My father was urging me to go. He said to run wherever I could find shelter. He was pushing me to go, go, go… There were four of us, there, imprisoned by someone, I don’t know who they were. I could hear them whispering in the other room, but couldn’t hear their conversation. I came out of a room, and saw my father there standing in the doorway. He said two had fled. They knew where they could go. He urged me to go after them. And so I stood there, knowing that if I fled, my father would die, perhaps be tortured. If I did not run away, we would both die…
And then I woke up. My heart was racing and the tears would not stop. Part of me knew it was the cupcake and the cookie and that one last piece of candy and the party and going to bed with a slight case of indigestion. It was just a dream. A horrible dream; but just a dream.
But part of me can’t slow down. Part of me knows there are those in this world that have had to make such decisions in this life. We in America are spoiled and soft. If (when) hard times come we will perish. We are living our lives in softness and peace. It will not always be so. It is not always so.
Lord, you have saved me for a reason. I certainly don’t understand that at all. There are so many that are so much better people than I… better speakers, better teachers, I am stiff-necked and selfish. Oh Lord, again I ask forgiveness for my weakness and thank You for your indescribable mercy! I pray that You would shine in my life somehow, that I would remember that there may be times when we are called to suffer. There are people out there who have already had to make that decision, should I go and live, but my father (or mother, or sister, or children) will die? There are those that have been forced to watch as their families have been brutally murdered, and somehow spared; some lived through the Holocaust when others did not; some live through famines and wars; only God knows why.
I am thinking now of my father, my earthly father, who I know would die for me in a heartbeat. He would gladly give his life so I might live. But my Heavenly Father loves me even more. The thought that His Son Jesus suffered and died so I might live should shock me and grieve me just as much as that dream does. I saw in that dream a glimpse of the suffering. Just a little glimpse. I know I cannot know its depths.
And so I go on. It makes the struggles of life seem pretty trivial, doesn’t it? My car is smooshed, but will be fixed. The cat is pulling out her hair. So I feel like pulling out mine! I can’t decide what to do with something. I have a meltdown over silly things. Even though there are way more serious things going on in my life and in those around me, we can be sure that God is in control; and that He loves, He forgives. Our bodies may not survive, but we will… to dwell in His presence, forever.
There are a couple of songs running through my head. One is, He is the King of the Jungle by Steven Curtis Chapman. He has certainly been in the jungle with the death of his daughter. He still knows the King of Kings.
But the one that I am remembering more is this…. I think about verse eight of “O Sacred Head, Now Wounded”, a hymn from the 1600’s. It is a beautiful, haunting hymn.
What language shall I borrow
To thank Thee, dearest Friend,
For this, Thy dying sorrow,
Thy pity without end?
Oh, make me thine forever!
And should I fainting be,
Lord, let me never, never,
Outlive my love for Thee.
All of the words are here… http://www.iclnet.org/pub/resources/text/wittenberg/hymns/osacred.txt
And hear it here…
So thanks, Lord, for the horrible dream. And for Your great LOVE.
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