sad days

This just has been sidelined for a long time. Again. Too much for my poor brain to hold.

My mom died on April Fool's Day, her last joke on us, one of the caregivers said. It was not a pretty journey the last few months. I see the last post here about my mom was when she broke her back. She never really recovered. That cough turned out to be a sign that her body was shutting down. Along with the endless eczema, and the increasing dementia.

Because of the cough, the doctor had me give her some Mucinex, which turned out to be a bad idea since it caused her to have hallucinations and to be unable to eat. It was a couple days before I could get them to STOP. I thought she was gone then, but she sure was a strong one, she pulled through. The facility told me I was either going to have to move her to a different facility or put her on hospice.  I chose hospice. They assured me they would not drug her.

Unfortunately they drugged her anyway. Instead of calling me, they gave her ativan and something I can't remember, which was on the list of problem drugs for her. Seems to me that "if only" I could have been there BEFORE they gave her stuff, it would have saved so much misery. They said it was NECESSARY to keep her safe. What it caused her was a lot of anger because they PROMISED her they wouldn't give her drugs. But they did.

 So her last couple weeks were full of hallucinations and screaming. She got very combative and told everyone they were trying to poison her, that I was cheating on my husband, that the place was full of prostitutes and rapists. She beat up one of the construction guys and threw water on a caregiver. I was crying and pleading with them to stop the drugs. They finally stopped. By then she was getting weak, but as long as I was there, she was ok and they didn't drug her.. So I was there all the time from then on. But by that time she wouldn't eat, it became hard to swallow, and talk. She asked me how she could die.

There were those who said I was just "in denial" but I know those last days could have been much better. It's hard... to just let it go, knowing she's gone, and I couldn't really have done anything different. Her biggest fear was being drugged and I couldn't stop it. It just makes me sad.

We had planned on moving her to another section of the facility, so we had already started packing up. Crazy. She died in the morning, and we had her totally moved out by evening.

I'm still grieving.

Back to Creating

 I've had many detours over the last few years. The latest was yesterday. I planned on staying home ALL DAY and even told my mom that was my plan, and she was wholeheartedly for the plan. However, the detour started at 5 AM.

A call from my mom's facility. My mom fell and scraped her back. She was disoriented, she was coughing. I know the cough, it's allergies. It isn't usually until spring, but it's January, and I have a sunflower blooming in my yard. Everything's blooming. An unusually mild winter. I'm sneezing nonstop and my mom coughs.

The facility was really worried about the cough and said I needed to take her in. Not so concerned about the fall. But she started complaining about pain, and soon was unable to move without pain.

I called 911 and she took an ambulance ride down the street a few blocks to the hospital. We spent 6 hours in the ER and the diagnosis.....

a broken back.

The doctor stuck his head in the door, and told me that, and that he would be back in a minute. That minute turned into more than an hour. During that time I was bawling, and telling my mom I was sorry it was ending this way, but there's not much you can do when you have fragile bones, and you're 93.

Then he comes back and says there is a tiny crack in one vertebra. No surgery. No sign of any other break. So. In the space of an hour, we're back to hope. She started sitting up. Today when I came she WALKED toward me. She said there isn't a lot of pain. Ok then. No funeral. Not yet.

SHE is NOT DONE YET

There is a certain amount of adventure with dementia. Today my mom asked me why I was cheating on my husband. ????? No mama, we're good. Remember, he sat with us all day yesterday. Oh yes that's right.

Back to creating? I hope so. Later today, maybe tomorrow. My mind is frazzled. Maybe some abstract something with a lot of color. Hmm.

blanket allergy....

OCTOBER 12, 2011

MIL greeted me today with “I don’t think you are listening to me. I am allergic to that blanket”. Me, getting really tired about arguing about blankets, went and got it and threw it in the car. It is forever an argument… blankets on the bed. Not warm enough, too warm. Too heavy, not heavy enough. She took the NEW blanket I put on the bed and threw it on the floor. She says she TOLD me that she is allergic to it… she will not believe it is a different blanket.

So what to do… turn heat up… she turns it off. Try different blankets… she says I am causing her “allergy” by continuing to have her use “that blanket”

Reality is, hubby brought home a cold. She doesn’t think she has a cold… she thinks it is the blanket’s fault, therefore MY fault…

Hopefully when her cold is over the blanket issue will be resolved.

but I am not counting on it. There will be something else by then…

Reminded me of an incident that my friend Mare and her mom shared. Her mom told her she wouldn’t sleep in the bed until she got a Big Girl Bed…

I hate it, having to lie, and say I did something when I didn’t. And for telling her that Earl changed his mind when he never thought what she thought he did. And thank Dan for the album that he didn’t do, because she is sure he did…

And not taking things personally.. like, “what are you doing about your weight problem?” This is not the sweet mother in law I knew. This is an angry, outspoken, forgetful woman. I must remember what she was and know that what she is now is not herself.

It comes with Dementia Territory.