A little break (musings)

A little break. Once in awhile I go through my "stash" and supplies to re-think what I want. Today I was going through stencils. I have collected lots of stencils, some from the dollar tree, some from thrift stores (I found a whole bag of them once!!) and collections from who knows where, like Hobby Lobby or Walmart or Michael's. One of my favorites is Stencil Girl, and I have some from them. 

I have made some of my own, and a few I got from some interesting notebooks that had stencil covers. I found a book with cardboard stencils, and used a few of them.  And some stencils that are Mendhi stencils, used for henna tattoos! Other things that you might not think of.... lace, even some interesting flyswatters.  I use them in card making, in gelli printing, in art journal pages, just doing it for fun with inks or paints or sprays. 

So there are two reasons I do this inventory, one to see if I can cull out some so others can get some use out of ones I don't use, and to remind myself of what I actually have so I will use them.  And to get myself in creative mode. Sometimes it's too much in creative mode because I stop what I am doing and create. Right now my creative surface is full of stuff and I need to clear it off before I can do anything. That's ok, it will keep me from getting too sidetracked.

I'm getting there. My next project is stickers, which I love for who knows what reason. I have a notebook of them, and a drawer of them. I like the notebook because you can flip through and see them, and they don't come off the background... but I think I have too many for that notebook, so I either need to not worry about it or cull my collection. 

I also found some projects I need to get finished. One thing at a time, right? It overwhelms me if I try to think of it all at once. I have also told myself that I am under no obligation for any of it. That helps, because sometimes when I think of things I was going to do... like a wall hanging for C or M or J (which all three had fabric gathered, but never finished) or all the card ideas I have but don't get to, or the supplies I buy or never use.... well it gets me into "I am such a failure" mode and that never helped anybody, it's just a deadly down spiral. 

So the goal for today was to get through one box of stuff. Instead, I went through my stencils. I did eventually get that box emptied. And culled out a small pile of stencils I never use and can't imagine using. So my Out pile is growing, but the thrift stores aren't open at the moment due to the pandemic, so can't donate. I'm going to see about making a few calls and see what I can find out. 

I've been going through my clothes, and I am making good progress letting go. The KonMari method is not particularly helpful to me, since it involves gathering each category into a pile and then putting them away and I don't have all that sorting room. But something that HAS been helpful is thanking whatever you are putting in the out pile. It sounds crazy, but when I talk to the item, thank it for serving me (or my mom, or dad, or whosever it was) and tell it to go bless someone else, it really helps me let it go. I have a gorgeous embroidered pillow (actually a LOT of them; I had talented aunts, mom, and mother in law) and picturing someone being delighted to have it instead of me grudgingly keeping it "because so and so made it" and I know MY kids don't want them... but by that letting it go and reminding me that someone else using it beats another 20 years in a box somewhere... well it helps me let stuff go. 

Things are memory triggers. But truthfully I don't need ALL the things my father made to remember my father. I handed out a lot of ceramics to my kids and cousins, but there are STILL MORE> and I just can't keep all. Telling them to go bless someone else helps. I still have a lot. And I have pictures of all that he ever made, since he did that. So I can look at the pictures, and smile.

Right now I have many of my wall hangings hanging up. I can't stand to let them go, but maybe I should. Blessing someone else is a good thing, not a bad thing. Some day, my kids will have to go through my stuff, and they will stand there saying, what the heck should I do with THIS?? And I should really let go of a LOT. 

Funny. I was thinking of a blouse that was my mom's. I remember thinking one time, that's going to be mine some day and then feeling guilty that I thought that. It was a really loose shirt jacket on her, so it was like a regular blouse on me...Well it's mine now, my mom is gone. And when I go to put it on, it is not a warm memory of my mom that greets me but a memory of my greedy thoughts. I need to let that bless someone who does not have that connection to it, or LET GO of my guilt. It does make me laugh. There is a LOT that is now mine that must be let go of. There's a packed garage out there of other folks' stuff, as well as my own. I would love to just hire a dumpster for much of it. 

So now I will go and find fifteen things to let go of. It won't take long. I'll be hugging coats and pillows, and thanking them for keeping my mom warm and comforting her. I can't wear them, she was 5 ft tall and 95 pounds, and I am..... larger than that. Of course that reminded me of my mother in law, also a 5 ft tall 95 pound person, who was trying to get me to try on some jackets of hers one day. They were size 8. I wear somewhere around a 12 or 14. I finally gave in and "tried" to get one one but of course it wouldn't fit. Her response? "I had no idea you were so fat". Thanks Grandma.

 But there's someone out there who needs this exact coat. And these pillows. And these hangers, and suitcases, and books.....

and I need a thrift store to be open somewhere. 

treasure the moment

 

Thinking of my mom a lot today. This was her jewelry, mostly butterflies. 

On an afghan that she knitted.

Time goes by quickly
Then it is another year
Treasure the moment

Happy birthday Mom...

today is my brother's birthday, I did send him a card, but I may try to call. My mom's birthday too. And my former pastor's wife. I sat and "talked" with my mom this morning, remembering the good stuff, forgiving the bad, being reminded of all the help she gave me with kids when we lived near them. I was blessed with great parents. A friend was talking about how he was abandoned by his mom when he was 7. He used to live in our neighborhood, and would come over and play ping pong, my mom loved it. So also reminded that I shared my mom with kids who needed a mom. So today I will try and honor her memory. 

 oh dear. Found another "unfinished" pile. I should be glad, I can make a BUNCH of cards, and give away some sets. Might, however, revise my "unfinished" rule. I really want to make some butterfly cards. I have such self control. HA.

I had high hopes for today, get up early, get dinner cooked, get a LOT done. But I couldn't go to sleep last night until 2 or so, and so I didn't even wake up until 10. This is all strange for a former earlybird. I don't WANT to go to sleep; but in the morning I don't want to wake up either. I quit caffeine, but am ready to go back to bedtime caffeine, I sleep better. Go figure. Oh yeah, ADD. 

Such strange days. SJ County COVID cases are down to 100 or so a day. So that's good. Last time we went out, LOTS of masks. There are still protesters that claim their rights are violated, but not so often. Lots of businesses are open, but people seem to be trying to be careful. It's hard to even think about what is going on all over, between politics, pandemic, hurricanes... so I'll just keep busy. It's not like I will ever run out of things to do around here, dealing with everybody's stuff (now who agreed to let it in the house in the first place??) and my own inertia. I am reminded again that everybody's online presence shows the best side and the good stuff and rarely the bad, with few exceptions. And I don't have many Face to Face relationships, even less now that we've been isolated for months. 

I used to have a separate blog for personal rambling stuff, but I have been consolidating, so there you go. 

sad days

This just has been sidelined for a long time. Again. Too much for my poor brain to hold.

My mom died on April Fool's Day, her last joke on us, one of the caregivers said. It was not a pretty journey the last few months. I see the last post here about my mom was when she broke her back. She never really recovered. That cough turned out to be a sign that her body was shutting down. Along with the endless eczema, and the increasing dementia.

Because of the cough, the doctor had me give her some Mucinex, which turned out to be a bad idea since it caused her to have hallucinations and to be unable to eat. It was a couple days before I could get them to STOP. I thought she was gone then, but she sure was a strong one, she pulled through. The facility told me I was either going to have to move her to a different facility or put her on hospice.  I chose hospice. They assured me they would not drug her.

Unfortunately they drugged her anyway. Instead of calling me, they gave her ativan and something I can't remember, which was on the list of problem drugs for her. Seems to me that "if only" I could have been there BEFORE they gave her stuff, it would have saved so much misery. They said it was NECESSARY to keep her safe. What it caused her was a lot of anger because they PROMISED her they wouldn't give her drugs. But they did.

 So her last couple weeks were full of hallucinations and screaming. She got very combative and told everyone they were trying to poison her, that I was cheating on my husband, that the place was full of prostitutes and rapists. She beat up one of the construction guys and threw water on a caregiver. I was crying and pleading with them to stop the drugs. They finally stopped. By then she was getting weak, but as long as I was there, she was ok and they didn't drug her.. So I was there all the time from then on. But by that time she wouldn't eat, it became hard to swallow, and talk. She asked me how she could die.

There were those who said I was just "in denial" but I know those last days could have been much better. It's hard... to just let it go, knowing she's gone, and I couldn't really have done anything different. Her biggest fear was being drugged and I couldn't stop it. It just makes me sad.

We had planned on moving her to another section of the facility, so we had already started packing up. Crazy. She died in the morning, and we had her totally moved out by evening.

I'm still grieving.

Back to Creating

 I've had many detours over the last few years. The latest was yesterday. I planned on staying home ALL DAY and even told my mom that was my plan, and she was wholeheartedly for the plan. However, the detour started at 5 AM.

A call from my mom's facility. My mom fell and scraped her back. She was disoriented, she was coughing. I know the cough, it's allergies. It isn't usually until spring, but it's January, and I have a sunflower blooming in my yard. Everything's blooming. An unusually mild winter. I'm sneezing nonstop and my mom coughs.

The facility was really worried about the cough and said I needed to take her in. Not so concerned about the fall. But she started complaining about pain, and soon was unable to move without pain.

I called 911 and she took an ambulance ride down the street a few blocks to the hospital. We spent 6 hours in the ER and the diagnosis.....

a broken back.

The doctor stuck his head in the door, and told me that, and that he would be back in a minute. That minute turned into more than an hour. During that time I was bawling, and telling my mom I was sorry it was ending this way, but there's not much you can do when you have fragile bones, and you're 93.

Then he comes back and says there is a tiny crack in one vertebra. No surgery. No sign of any other break. So. In the space of an hour, we're back to hope. She started sitting up. Today when I came she WALKED toward me. She said there isn't a lot of pain. Ok then. No funeral. Not yet.

SHE is NOT DONE YET

There is a certain amount of adventure with dementia. Today my mom asked me why I was cheating on my husband. ????? No mama, we're good. Remember, he sat with us all day yesterday. Oh yes that's right.

Back to creating? I hope so. Later today, maybe tomorrow. My mind is frazzled. Maybe some abstract something with a lot of color. Hmm.

Tutorials and such (this is supposed to be funny but I have a screw loose)

I'm not really blogging for anyone but me. I don't always know why. Today I was thinking, well I did those soother bottles differently than other people did. So I thought I would do a tutorial. I already did it so you get no pictures of them in process.

First, find someone who drinks Boost on a regular basis, or start to do so yourself. I am fortunate that my mom has weight issues. Meaning, she's so thin at 93 pounds she has to drink nutritional supplements. Of course, I would never wish that on anyone, since people continually tell her to eat more, which would be a nice problem for about a minute. Her latest response has been, "Why is it okay to tell me I'm too thin but it isn't okay for me to tell you you're too fat?" or "Why is it okay for you to tell me to eat more but it isn't okay for me to tell you you should eat less?" And she has a point, too. That reminds me of my mother in law, who was also a Skinny Minnie like my mom, who insisted that I could certainly wear a certain size 8 jacket... and when I tried to put my size 16 self into it when she wouldn't drop the issue, of course I couldn't even fit into the sleeves... and she said, "I had no idea you were so fat".

Anyway. Now that you have a few Boost bottles, get some glycerin, dish soap, mineral oil, baby oil, or whatever the recipe you found on Pinterest calls for. Put whatever you want into the bottle, add some glitter, and glue the lid on. Hand it to a baby and see if they like it. Be prepared to clean up if you didn't get the lid on tight or you handed it to a strong two year old.

Hopefully if you are reading this, you understand that I am the one who WATCHES tutorials, and not one who MAKES them. And I hope you don't gain too much weight drinking the Boost. Get the diabetic kind if you have to drink it yourself. Just don't get Glucerna, which works great for diabetics like my hubby, but their bottles aren't clear, which would not make a soother bottle soothing because you couldn't see it.

Tongue firmly in cheek,