November 12, 1918

November 12, 1918. Fairmont, Minnesota. WAR IS OVER the headlines screamed. Still in the middle of a pandemic.

My parents found this newspaper in my grandparents' things. Newspapers were a little different then. So and so was on vacation, someone else had company. "Calf show Delayed due to influenza. Set for December."

"The Boy Scouts... pulled turnips Saturday afternoon for Joe Mills, who is still in bed as the result of the flu. He is getting stronger, and we hope he will soon be around."

Joe Mills was my grandfather! My father was not even born yet at this time.

Family memories... not mine, not even my father's. I remembered when my parents decoupaged this piece. They got the frame from the thrift store and it had the most adorable cat and dogs playing tug of war. I was mad for awhile that they got rid of that print and replaced it with an old newspaper.

But this is history from Fairmont, Minnesota. It's been sitting out in the garage. What do I do with it?? But it's family history (but it's big and clumsy and I have nowhere to hang it) You ought to save it, someone might want it! (who? Remember the book...)  

Making progress, letting go

This is a high chair that my mom refinished many years ago. I am sadly considering letting it go. I don't really want to, but on the other hand nobody sits in it, and it hasn't been used in many years. The only grand kids that are still young enough live 1,000 miles away. It's time for someone else to love and use it.

It's kind of crazy, I know. It's like giving up a dream. I always wanted to be a certain kind of Grandma, I guess. When C. was little, I got to fulfill that dream. I got to take care of him every day and we had a blast. I loved being his grandma. Then L came along, and I cared for the two of them. Then one day L came to me and said accusingly, "You're not my REAL grandma!" and it was never the same. I told him that although I wasn't his daddy's mother, I loved him like I loved my own kids but to L it didn't matter. 

Then when A came along, I got to take care of him. That lasted until he was 3 ish, and then I guess his other grandma got jealous (?) or something, because I was always in trouble. So I stopped taking care of them, after I got in trouble for letting A. go outside with no shoes or socks, looking for bugs. Other Grandma dropped by as she usually did, to check on me, I guess. I'm not sure but that's what it seemed like. I could feel her disapproval of me.... anyway she screamed at him, and wouldn't look at me. I'm sure the parents got an earful, because they never asked me to take care of A again.

We did have the opportunity to care for my son's kids M and A. Now they are older, and we don't see them as often. The rest of the kids don't live as close, or they have Other Grandmas that care for them. My daughter is far away and living with Other Grandma.

So I'm letting go of a dream. I'm never going to be the grandma of my dreams. And that has to be ok. I know that most grandmas don't get to be That Kind of Grandma. My friend G. has grandkids all over the country. M's granddaughter lives far away too. In fact, I don't know anyone with the exception of in-laws who get to have a relationship with their grandparents.

I didn't. My grandma M. lived near us when I was very small, and died when I was 14. My grandma L. lived across the country. I saw her 5 or 6 times in my life. My grandpa M died before I was born. I remember going bowling with Grandpa L a few times but have very few memories of any of them.

It helps to write it out. And yes, it's out there in the public, and it's weird that I'm more ok with that than my own family reading it, although they could, if they knew it existed. 

It's taking me many years to get a handle on THINGS. Letting go is painful, but feels good at the same time. I have the couch full of OUT boxes, now to get K on board with it, because he HATES to let go of ANYTHING and it makes it very uncomfortable. I just have to. 

I've been reading a book, called NOBODY WANTS YOUR SH*T. Aside from the offensive language, there's a lot of truth in it. 

The best quote is this one (so far)

IT'S TIME TO LET GO OF WHO YOU USED TO BE AND EMBRACE WHO YOU ARE NOW.

So, who am I now? Someone who wants to stop hiding out and face life as it currently is. Pretty scary, in my opinion, that I got to This Age before I got totally fed up with myself. 

Gonna take a lot of patience, with me, with hubby. He needs to grow up too, but that's not MY issue; that's HIS. 

One day at a time. One thing at a time. 

Lots of grace, lots of love, lots of ice cream. No, really. There's this Carb Smart kind.... 

what should I title this blog post...

No, really, I have no idea. I've been so wonky these days I don't even know what day it is half the time. Can't blame the pandemic for everything though. Maybe it's odds and ends. Oh and the water heater went out today, and of course I need to do laundry badly, and I need a shower. Hubby hopefully fixed it today and hopefully tomorrow I can shower. In my experience, when hot water heaters start doing strangeness, they aren't too long for this world. This one is only six years old. Reminds me of Grandma Evelyn's that was from the sixties. I think it would have won the Oldest Hot Water Heater in history. We figured it was at least 55 years old. Do I sound old when I say "they don't make thinks like they used to"?? But it's TRUE. 

There's a box... Here I am trying to go through the box. It's basically just a collection of odd stuff. Here's some. Two combs. A package of bolts with one missing. A micron pen. A yellow colored pencil. A compass. A nail. A nail file. A pack of post it notes.  A different pen. A plastic bag. 

None seem tough to deal with, do they? The compass goes where? I don't know. Maybe in my desk? Those bolts ought to be in a tool box or something. Where? Those combs? Should I keep them? One of them might be from that hair cutting set. One yellow pencil, I can put it with the other colored pencils, and the micron and other pen with pens. Sounds simple enough for the next 5 minutes or so. However, most boxes contain more than this, and have harder decisions. I don't want to make decisions any more. So what, I say. This is YOUR STUFF. You want someone else to do it? They will just put it all in the garbage. 

Then there's this poor sad hanky with crocheted trim. It's old, it was a grandma's I suppose but I don't know that for sure, and it's falling apart. Maybe I can save the trim? For what? I don't know, on a doll dress? It's so pretty.

I ended up thanking the hanky for its service to I don't know who, or who made it, and thanked it for bringing me joy in the past, wadded it up and put it in the garbage. Somehow telling stuff goodbye helps. Sounds insane. I guess whatever works.

It was a beautiful hanky in its day. I'm sure it soothed many noses. That thought itself helped me let it go. Would I REALLY USE IT?? No. Will I REALLY cut off the trim and put it on a doll dress? NO. BYE BYE. THANK YOU. 

So if each little pile takes so long, when will I ever be done?? I watched an episode of Hoarders for motivation, all it did was give me nightmares LOL Last night I dreamt K was coming home from the hospital, and someone came in and took everything out of the house and brought in new furniture, and set up the hospital bed in the front bedroom, MY bedroom, and trashed my vintage furniture. I went out and crawled into the trash bin. 

Sigh. I see those shows and it isn't THAT bad, but still, I do still have trauma walls. It isn't easy taking them down, and letting myself be vulnerable. It isn't easy just putting things in the Out pile or trash, it feels like I am betraying myself somehow. Yes it sounds crazy, and it is...

But hey, there's some things coming together in my craft room. I cleaned out some spaces and most I just put back, but I switched the dresser that was in the middle of the room with a low table that this cabinet was on, and now the room looks 500x bigger. I have been filling garbage bags with Stuff and letting lots go. 

And now, the glues are together, the paints are together, etc. Less searching for stuff and hopefully less frustration when I am trying to find what I want to do what I want to do.

The sewing area is still the dining room table however. Sooner or later.... one can hope I live that long.

I did find a few things I forgot about. So I watched a couple Youtube videos today, but didn't get painty. I'm loving Natasha Foote these days along with my favorites Barbara Gray and Jennifer McGuire. 

What I ended up doing today was a surprise. I have been working on this for a long time, but haven't for a few months at least, maybe longer. I had the base done, and finally within the last few days have gotten all the applique pieces fastened on. So all I have left is a bit of embroidery and  finishing fastening stuff down, and I will hopefully finish in a few days. I do need some 1/8th inch black grosgrain ribbon, or something like that, but I'm thinking about just trying to embroider with satin stitch or something since I haven't found ribbon. I found some for 7.99 a reel, and some for 1.49 a reel with 7.00 shipping. Nothing on Amazon, besides to get free shipping I have to spend $25 and well what do I need? LOL Might take a masked trip to Hobby Lobby tomorrow, or the Dollar Tree, they have ribbon occasionally. I still need a shower, but maybe nobody will recognize me with a mask on... but that's when I always run into someone I know, LOL, when I'm a mess. 

Anyway here's a picture of the to be quilted wall hanging, so far. Hopefully the person it is for still likes lighthouses. LOL... the background is 2 inch squares of different florals, and the lighthouse etc are appliqued on the top. I'm doing raw edge applique, so it will get sewn down when I machine quilt it. I hope to be ready to work on the quilting tomorrow. The green I got for the last wall hanging will work well.

Oh and I found a couple Art cards  the other day...  I don't even remember when I did them. Haven't decided if I will give them away as Random Acts of Art or if I will add them to the rolodex.

And I got ALL THIS STUFF put away. I hate these boxes, I don't know why such oddness gets into them, other than I am too lazy to sort them and end up sweeping them into a box. Trying to stop doing that. But I still have a few more of them, so I'm having a party when I'm done. 

Consolidating stuff and tossing and such.

ah, the Middle Bedroom. It was going to be my craft room, a place to sew, to paint etc. but then Kerry's mom had to leave her home for assisted living and her stuff came here. Of course, there was not much in that room at the time, so it got shoved in there. Then a few years later, my parents' stuff came on by, and of course, into that room.

So the dilemma then is I'm trying so hard to get that room totally usable for me, so I don't have to crawl over anything to reach the ribbons or the large stencils or the wood and cork drawer... or the spot where the beads are stored, so when I want, I can grab them. Or the box where the "current projects" ended up, under everything, so that "current" really means four or five years ago.

I'm ready to get rid of things, for the most part, but right now is a tough time, with friends hospitalized for COVID and other things, and some have died. Of people that I knew well when I was working at various churches, and some from where my mom and dad spent so long... well, since January, I stopped counting at 15 friends and acquaintances gone. Some from COVID and some from Oldness. And one from just here today, and SHOCK she's gone. Our movie and concert buddy. Just gone, just like that. 

Why it's hard, is that emotions are just about ready to boil over, and just a teensy bit more, and my eyes are leaking, and I'm looking for a tissue. 

Anyway. I keep trying to empty boxes and consolidate and put as much as I can in the OUT pile or the TRASH pile... but then I run into things like this. I can't put this in either pile.

Outside, it's quite unassuming. But this book is full of, well, the family book of best loved poems. I memorized a lot of poetry over the years, because I loved it, and so did my mom. This was more worn than her Bible I think, it was pasted back together and taped a number of times. She got a new Bible from time to time, but this book, I don't know if you could find another if you tried.

Also in the book are tucked a number of clippings from here and there. 

So here we are. The trunk is full, I have to make some decisions. I think, well it won't take up much room, or maybe I could do some collage with some of these pages and let the rest go, or put it on a shelf.

Any suggestions for letting go of Parental Stuff, or Mother in law Stuff, or Aunt Loretta Stuff, or whoever else's stuff is hanging around here?? Yes, even ex husband needs to get a box of stuff. And a bar stool, and another little stool he made. And I really ought to let him have some pictures from his children's childhood. And then there's a doll house...

Well, daughter, you better move into a bigger house.

Positively Disorderly

I'm cleaning in my craft room, and yes there are a lot of exciting discoveries. Like scissors. I can't believe I have so many pairs. And a few embossing folders that I wondered where they were. Of course there are things I know I have that I can't seem to find anywhere. But there have been a few treasures in there, and I've made a few cards with the finds. All the envelopes are now in one place, the card sets are all in one container for easy access. Of course I really want to re arrange the room. But not yet, I need to get stuff put away first. Sometimes it feels like it's never ending. Persistence is the key, just do a little, rest, do a little more. I hate having the choice of hurting and thinking or not hurting and not thinking. Pain relief comes with brain fog for me. So I just have to deal with it until I can't and then have a day of zombieness. Oh well. At least it isn't quite as smoky here. Tomorrow there's supposed to be more thunder and lightning. I think they said we're up to around 600 fires. Enough already.

I carefully vacuumed the porch swing, and now it's covered in ashes. It's too hot out there anyway. But still. I wish things would just stay done. Well this post is even boring to me, so I think I'll get back to cleaning.   

 

more washcloths.... and flossing!

Today I spent some time watching a video about drawing faces. I ordered a Stabilo All pencil because it is recommended by the video lady. I also spent some time in a facebook group called Art Journal Junkies. Oh I am inspired. Now I want some Inktense blocks, too. I also need to figure out some color sprays. and then there's hot glue stencils to try. Oh my. I have a lot of stencils already, but this will add some originality instead of always having to use manufactured stencils.

I also finished a set of washcloths. These are diagonally knitted.
Not sure what I am going to do with them. Maybe donate to the Rag Quilters. I need to get involved with SOMETHING in the community. I know it's a good cause. If we have a garage sale, I could sell some there... we will see.

The other thing I am excited about is my embroidery floss holder. In cleaning out L's house, I inherited a bunch of embroidery floss and such. I wanted to add to the stash, but have a way to actually access the stuff when I wanted a specific color and not have to paw around in a box or bag. I found a zipper notebook at the thrift store, put those card collection pages in it, and put scraps of floss by color in the pages. It doesn't hold it all yet, I need more pages. But it is a good start. I am excited to get back to doing a bit of counted cross stitch. As if I need a new hobby. Not exactly new, but I haven't done any in a long time.

The more orderly my craft things get the more excited I am about being able to spend some more time crafting. I have been spending a lot of time knitting and crocheting. I just downloaded a karate uniform and a denim jacket for American Girls... I have to watch it, I will just plan and plan and never Do. I don't really think I need to worry about it.

Tomorrow, my cousin J and I are going to help my mom plan a display about my father. It will be a bittersweet day.

Enough rambling.

sorting and such

Today's task is sorting and such. Trying to figure out if we are going to have a garage sale. Finally ready to deal with E's stuff, she's been gone a year. Now have some L's stuff as well and it's enough to make your head spin. Do you need one of these? It's really pretty. I've tried to find something like it on google, but all the bottom says is "hand painted" and "Nippon" so we know that it is from Japan and hand painted. LOL