what a year...

DECEMBER 14, 2010

what a year…

what a year this has been! Most of it shocked me into silence.  There has been good… but so much sadness and grief for me.  Since my uncle’s death, I have also faced the cancer and death of my nephew and  my friend Marilyn, my friend John’s suicide, and the death of my (our, long story!) beloved dog, Chance. During this time, my father has been in the hospital several times, my mother once, my brother had a heart attack and then back surgery, and my mother in law has required much more care.  I did have the opportunity to become reacquainted with my brother; however it was to attend my nephew’s funeral so it wasn’t a happy visit. My daughter did get to come with me so that was a plus. We rode in this tiny plane; I was very nervous when I got on the plane– it was SO LITTLE!! but I hurried to my seat and glued my face to the window, and I did okay.

I have been struggling, off and on, with trying to start my own business. But it is like I have been in a fog! I am still doing several websites, but that is about all. Just can’t seem to get going in any direction much less figure out what direction I want to be going!

Sometimes I just want to write the good stuff.  Life is a mixture of both though. The good stuff is that I have a Savior who loves me despite the fog and the quirks. Amazing.

living the dream...

SEPTEMBER 9, 2010

living the dream…

whereas in reality my dream is to be where the Lord wants me to be, I have my own preferences. However, at the moment the dream and reality are not the same. Learning to be content in whatever place the Lord puts me, but that longing for the mountains hangs with me. I did get to spend a week in the beautiful mountains of Washington state.

My brother is living the dream, on thirty wonderful acres. However, his dream includes SNOW part of the year, which isn’t exactly part of MY dream. I like a LITTLE snow, but he sent pics of a LOT of snow.

Having visited in August, I got to see summer. The weather was pleasant, a little cooler than I am used to for summer. But GORGEOUS…. It was a bittersweet trip which included a memorial service for my nephew Aaron who fought cancer for a year but died at the end of July. My parents funded my trip, otherwise I couldn’t have gone. Liv went too, which made it easier, she served as my Courage and Bravery of which I am lacking! But I got into an itty bitty plane (4 seats wide and not much taller than Liv) and crammed my face into the window and tried not to think about where I was; enjoyed the scenery and the company. Liv of course made friends with a wee cutie and they were fun to watch too.

The trip inspired me to do FIVE scrapbook pages. And I am not done yet. My mom and dad had a wonderful garden this year. This is of their courtyard where they live. My father must have his fingers in dirt so he has many containers on the patio and has grown so many interesting things. It seems that many of the people in the complex haven’t seen vegetables growing, so he has grown zucchini, corn, green beans, and even potatoes. Last year he actually harvested a few tufts of cotton!

Well I had better get busy. I got an order for 12 thank you cards, with cats on them. I have lots of ideas running around in my head, but I better get them done, hopefully to be delivered within a day or two. 🙂my precious nephew Aaron…

Uncle Alan...

FEBRUARY 23, 2010

 

I’ve had enough darkness and winter. Right now it is windy and rainy.

My uncle died last week. It has been a sad time. My father is now alone– his 9 brothers and sisters are all gone. He says that is what has been hitting him the most, feeling alone.

I’m glad that in spite of humanly being alone, he is not alone. He knows that this isn’t the end. He knows that it is good that my uncle is no longer suffering. He knows that he will see him again along with his brothers and sisters.

It’s still sad. Having to clear out his apartment and seeing what he left behind made me want to run home and throw some stuff out so my loved ones won’t have to see the silliness that I collect. My mother was laughing over 70 coasters and 10 shoehorns. I can only imagine how people are going to feel going through my stuff. 🙂

We did find a song book from the 1800’s– that had belonged to my Quaker great-grandfather. It was full of the love of the Lord.  It was encouraging in the midst of the hard things that we have been going through.

He also had started 4 rose bushes. In spite of how badly he had been doing, he was still gardening a tiny bit. I’ve been told it is hard to slip roses. They looked healthy and full of potential. His birdfeeder, full of thistle, attracts Lesser Goldfinches. It was so restful to just sit and watch them. I remember the last time I was with him, we were just sitting there watching the birds come and go. A quiet time.

He will be greatly missed. By my father and my mother. By his neighbors. By his daughter. By me.

God's mercy...

SEPTEMBER 28, 2009

God’s mercy

Yesterday we wanted to give my sweet mother in law a little adventure. We took her to the cemetery where her parents, daughter, and granddaughter are buried. Then off to the river where her parents owned a large piece of land. There’s a subdivision there now. She wanted to see what they had done with the land. We walked by the river and had a lovely walk down memory lane.  That’s the adventure that we planned.

God had other things planned though. Got in an accident! 4 cars, 3 of them smooshed– 1 driver sent to the hospital. There were 3 or 4 fire trucks and 4 police cars, sirens, they even closed down the street. There were people all around taking pictures, glass everywhere. Three out of four cars were towed away. Our car? Not bad for having been hit by a car that ended upside down on it. It hit the trunk. No windows broken, even the turn signals work– although it looks pretty nasty, we drove it home!  The three of us in our car– my husband, his 94 year old mother, and me– were fine. Because it came from the top, it jolted us and shoved us over a couple feet, but didn’t send us flying. God showed us His mercy and kept us safe. No fatalities!  I was shaking in my boots so to speak. Someone started yelling, "get out of the car! There is gasoline pouring on the car!" so that's why we had so many fire trucks show up, we were right next to a gas station and there was gasoline pouring from the other car...  My mother in law was cool and calm; she got so many people waiting on her it was funny! I stood there and quivered. 

So thank You, Lord, for your protection, and for your mercy!!

2020 note: that was really crazy and surreal. My problem was that for months I could see that car flipping toward us every time I closed my eyes. And every time I saw a white mini van... well I remembered for a very long time. It is still mind boggling how we could have survived such a smash, and that our car actually drove. I think about the fact that there was gasoline pouring on it and I wonder why they let us drive it home. Whenever we drive past the spot, we always just shake our heads in wonder. 

what I've been up to... (musings)

DECEMBER 31, 2006

what I’ve been up to…

Christmas began the 17th of December, with stepsons 1 and 2 and their wives, and grandson 1 and 2. We all got together at great-grandma’s house (MIL), SHE says the last time, but she says that every year, she’s 91. And one of these years WILL be the last one; we’re planning on next year here, but if she’s still up to it, I know she’ll insist on there one more time. I admire her greatly. She’s active, both physically and mentally. She runs circles around me as I’ve said more than once. A good role model. Turkey with all the trimmings, including pumpkin pie, fudge, carmel corn… persimmon bars, snickerdoodles… yummy stuff.

Christmas Eve my DD came; we had dinner with DH, DD, DS 19, MIL, and me. Oyster stew. Frozen fruit salad. MY family traditional dinner for Christmas Eve. Delicious. I will put the recipes in my holiday planner notebook (started this year; too bad I didn’t do it years ago! What a help it was!)

Christmas Day, at DS 29’s house. His wife, her mom and stepdad, her grandparents, her cousin and his wife, my DS 23, DD 25, DS 19. All but DS 27. It was good- DIL made breakfast, and it took all day to open presents….

The day after Christmas, my mom and dad came to our house, along with DS 27 and his wife, and DD and DS 19 were there… and afterwards, we played Mystery Mansion. A good time. We need a new Mystery Mansion game, however, it is so old and the cards are soft, and you can tell from the back which are the keys… LOL!!

NEXT YEAR… better plans. But I did pretty well this year, I can see areas of improvement. But I am happy with how things went. We had all the present buying and wrapping done way early. It was nice not to have to rush at the last minute. Next year, we will work on calendars earlier! It was too rushed, and generally a disaster. But they got done, and delivered before New Year’s.

Wednesday we took DD home. It is always such a sad time, I hate having her live so far away, only 8 hours but STILL!!! She’s been my best friend her whole life. I am so thankful for the wonderful relationship that we have.

Thursday we got back here. I am seeing so clearly how I have so much planning to do. Menu planning. I used to have so much planned ahead, we will get back to that.

another friend gone...

 update 11/27/2020

It seems that we go through seasons of loss. Lu was such a special friend. She was one of those people who could laugh in all situations. She and Erla might have been cohorts. I have been blessed with friends. I can remember the good times and be thankful.

NOVEMBER 8, 2006

another friend gone…

Lost a dear dear friend today. Haven’t seen her much since I moved, but she was a special lady. Lu lost a leg years ago to a rattlesnake bite. For the last few years she hasn’t been able to get a prosthetic leg and has been confined to a wheel chair. She also lost her husband a few years before that. She loved the Lord so much. She used to say she had one foot in the grave… and that they were looking forward to being reunited!

Another friend died today as well. Didn’t know him well, but know his wife. Got a dog from them about 10 years ago! In the last 2 months, Bob, Bob’s son, Lois, Bev, Dean, and Lu.

More to join the worship service that is already in progress…

life statements...

update: 11/27/2020

my my that was an insane time. An interim pastor, hired someone new, he was unsure what the job was, so he decides to take a 2 week vacation and leave the training to me. Ummm........ looking back it's rather hilarious but I tell you being in the middle of it, was not. Fortunately, Ellen (the new hire) was great. We laughed a lot, and I basically told her what M. did, and we got through it...

 MARCH 19, 2005

life statements…

I’ve never been a goal setter, always lived in a reactionary sort of way. But as I write that, I realize that isn’t exactly true. My goals as I graduated from high school were to go to college, major in music, and teach. At that time, however (late 60’s) women were not exactly encouraged in those directions– at least my parents and friends… My parents felt it was rather a waste of time for me to go to college, after all, I was just going to get married and that would be that.

Never did figure out how to reach those goals. Due to circumstances, had no confidence. Got married– married a youth pastor, who could be safer?

Sigh.

From then on, I think I lived in a reactionary sort of way. I had 5 children, home schooled them, took in a foster child. I was a wife. In that scenario, I was so busy– I didn’t think much. I didn’t want to think. Just getting through one day was exhausting, and I shoved every discomfort and thought of taking care of ME away.

It took 20 years for me to get the nerve to deal with stuff from years ago. Ended up having a breakdown. In counseling for 6 years, I emerged– and DH couldn’t take that me. Divorced after 25 years of marriage. I got married right away– too scared to take care of myself.  Ended up being a good decision, fortunately I married a good man.

I’ve come a long way, but still have a long way to go.

Life goals– to be expanded.

1. To become a more kind, loving, person in such a way that celebrates my femininity. Explore ways of being more feminine without compromising myself.(2020, giving myself an eyeroll)

2. Continually work to improve my state of health and diminish pain.

3. Finetune my time management techniques, organizational skills, and boundary setting to make my work as efficient and enjoyable as possible.

I’m way behind, it is a horrendous season at work, Lent and all, in a liturgical church. Bulletins coming out my ears, and severe hip pain to complicate things. And would you believe, a funeral during Easter week to make it a total overload. Not as bad as it could have been, with my improved organizational skills. My boss is retiring next month, they have decided not to replace her. Guess who it all falls on?

My first response is to hightail it outa here. LOL… two others are already gone. I am in the process of training a new receptionist. A new person (small group leader, and we don’t even have small groups!!) will be here in 2 weeks, and the pastor decided to take a 2 week vacation… so the training is on guess who?? And I am training her for what? Ummmm…. dunno. I wish I COULD just run. I am thinking that this could be a tremendous learning opportunity. As well as an opportunity to get the office running in a more efficient way. Without a business manager, well… it’s scary. I will be dealing with all this stuff.

Trying to be more positive. It feels like there are these choices, either look up or down. Up feels like grabbing the opportunities, growing, living. Looking down, defeat and despair.

my very first blog post, May 9, 2004

 updated 11/27/2020

This was the very first day I started my other blog. I haven't brought over all the posts yet, but it was like starting a new world, a new adventure. I had my website before this. Long ago, when the internet was merely a collection of bulletin boards, I ran into an ADD board. On that board was a woman from Israel that I became friends with. She taught web design with a company called Homestead. It was so easy!! So I had a great deal of creative fun with that. When I was home schooling my kids, I discovered that I LOVED working on the computer. No more retyping whole pages when you made a boo boo. No more taking out the stencil, painting the boo boo, and hoping you could get the typewriter lined up just right so the boo boo was invisible. It was exhilarating actually. Free to type as fast as you want and not worry about mistakes. And as I typed more on the computer, I got really fast, and the mistakes diminished. It helps that you just back space and type it again, and hardly notice.

When I started, I didn't really know what to do. Or what to write. Now I write nearly every day. And there's another topic, How I got Started On the Internet and Blogging and Actually worked in an OFFICE because of it. Wow. LOL

MAY 9, 2004

day one

here is today

time seems to sway

just going away

would like to play

So now I have a weblog. I am joining the millions of others that use this method of dealing with life. I know that I already know some of the answers… I’ve been this way before. Now, there are different situations, but still the same problems, dealing with things without internalizing, without stuffing myself with food, without letting things eat at my insides.

And so my plan is to keep writing in a general sort of way, without names in case someone somewhere in space is reading this.

And so, this is the beginning of the journey, and the end, and the middle.