Making progress, letting go

This is a high chair that my mom refinished many years ago. I am sadly considering letting it go. I don't really want to, but on the other hand nobody sits in it, and it hasn't been used in many years. The only grand kids that are still young enough live 1,000 miles away. It's time for someone else to love and use it.

It's kind of crazy, I know. It's like giving up a dream. I always wanted to be a certain kind of Grandma, I guess. When C. was little, I got to fulfill that dream. I got to take care of him every day and we had a blast. I loved being his grandma. Then L came along, and I cared for the two of them. Then one day L came to me and said accusingly, "You're not my REAL grandma!" and it was never the same. I told him that although I wasn't his daddy's mother, I loved him like I loved my own kids but to L it didn't matter. 

Then when A came along, I got to take care of him. That lasted until he was 3 ish, and then I guess his other grandma got jealous (?) or something, because I was always in trouble. So I stopped taking care of them, after I got in trouble for letting A. go outside with no shoes or socks, looking for bugs. Other Grandma dropped by as she usually did, to check on me, I guess. I'm not sure but that's what it seemed like. I could feel her disapproval of me.... anyway she screamed at him, and wouldn't look at me. I'm sure the parents got an earful, because they never asked me to take care of A again.

We did have the opportunity to care for my son's kids M and A. Now they are older, and we don't see them as often. The rest of the kids don't live as close, or they have Other Grandmas that care for them. My daughter is far away and living with Other Grandma.

So I'm letting go of a dream. I'm never going to be the grandma of my dreams. And that has to be ok. I know that most grandmas don't get to be That Kind of Grandma. My friend G. has grandkids all over the country. M's granddaughter lives far away too. In fact, I don't know anyone with the exception of in-laws who get to have a relationship with their grandparents.

I didn't. My grandma M. lived near us when I was very small, and died when I was 14. My grandma L. lived across the country. I saw her 5 or 6 times in my life. My grandpa M died before I was born. I remember going bowling with Grandpa L a few times but have very few memories of any of them.

It helps to write it out. And yes, it's out there in the public, and it's weird that I'm more ok with that than my own family reading it, although they could, if they knew it existed. 

It's taking me many years to get a handle on THINGS. Letting go is painful, but feels good at the same time. I have the couch full of OUT boxes, now to get K on board with it, because he HATES to let go of ANYTHING and it makes it very uncomfortable. I just have to. 

I've been reading a book, called NOBODY WANTS YOUR SH*T. Aside from the offensive language, there's a lot of truth in it. 

The best quote is this one (so far)

IT'S TIME TO LET GO OF WHO YOU USED TO BE AND EMBRACE WHO YOU ARE NOW.

So, who am I now? Someone who wants to stop hiding out and face life as it currently is. Pretty scary, in my opinion, that I got to This Age before I got totally fed up with myself. 

Gonna take a lot of patience, with me, with hubby. He needs to grow up too, but that's not MY issue; that's HIS. 

One day at a time. One thing at a time. 

Lots of grace, lots of love, lots of ice cream. No, really. There's this Carb Smart kind.... 

Recipe reminiscing.

Maybe it is because I am getting old. Or maybe it is because I am trying so hard to deal with STUFF. And it's HARD> to let things go. Some of it, I am just putting in a box, and am going to let someone else deal with it, namely my kids, after I am gone. Then they can let it go or keep it forever.

I mentioned in my little secret group about the problem I am having, and the first thing was someone wants a table. Crazy however is that is one thing I want to keep for sure! My plan was to let the big dining room table go and put the small one in its place. However, I told the person who asked that she could have it!! I'm still just trying to please everyone else? Sigh. Truth is, I have another little drop leaf table that would work there, and even that big mosaic one. Actually that would be gorgeous there.  So I think I will be fine with letting it go. 

The biggest problem with letting go is it drags in all the trauma emotions. I know that what I really need to do is deal with the trauma emotions, let them go. Let go of the feeling of such intense loss. This year there have been many who have passed on, the latest Jackie M and Joanne W. who I really let go of 20 years ago when I moved away from the dreamland. So instead of seeing all the loss, I see their gain and the unbelievable celebration in heaven. Whatever that looks like. Whatever is okay. I could go on for a long time thinking of those I have lost. I have to believe that I will see them again, join the party. 

The dreamland is hard to release. I thought I was going to live there until I died. Well, life happens, and I had to leave, and I am here, trying to make this as much as my dreamland as I can, but it doesn't have starry nights, and howling coyotes, and crickets in the night, and gorgeous big trees, and wild flowers in the spring..... but I still have my memories.

HIRAETH

In my cleaning out, I found Evelyn's recipe box. In my trying to fix better meals, I thought it might be fun to try some of her meals. Most of the box, however, is salads and desserts!! There are a few things to try though.

I also have my mom's box. I have dismantled my own, and stick things in notebooks on just look online. It is kind of sad, not passing down recipes like has been tradition for generations.

Another valuable thing I found and remembered was that people used to swap recipes with each other. And since my mom and hubby's mom were friends and had many friends in common, there are many familiar names in these cards. Fran, Audrey... and Irene, my friend Nancy's mom.

So there's Audrey's chicken casserole, and Irene's salsa, and Betty's instructions on freezing cukes. What a blessing these women had, to be friends for so many years. 

And I saw Aunt Oletha's and Ola's and some of the mothers of friends from grade school. Lots of jello recipes. It seems that growing up there were always jello salads at pot lucks. That pink gooey stuff, the strawberry pretzel salad, the green lime stuff with cottage cheese with pineapple. Main dish recipes using mushroom and tomato soups. 

That generation were mainly stay at home moms, but Evelyn worked outside the home as a nurse. She worked with some of the people she swapped recipes with, Fran, Laverne. My mom went back to work when I was in high school, but she worked at the Ice Company, and I doubt if any of the men swapped recipes! 

I made some onion pickles the other day, and ended up starting a whole conversation on facebook about them. I ended up sharing Grandma Butler's old German Dills, Uncle Tom's dills... well it was fun. Made me want to find some pickling cukes. Not super badly though. 

These aren't in order and I always screw stuff up when I try to rearrange them in a blog post, so if you are seriously trying to figure out what goes with what, have fun. 

Also in here is one that made me laugh, I haven't needed that particular remedy for many many years.

So maybe tomorrow I'll get some card making in. Seems like today was a Remembering Day. Leave me a message if you would like a clearer picture of anything, or the rest of the recipe if it isn't all there, or my dad's dills, or that lime and cottage cheese with pineapple recipe, or just about anything you can think of, really, between my mom's, and my two mothers in law, my sister in law, and my recipes. I try and I sometimes do a good job with dinner, other times I wait for "let's go out"...