heaven...

 

Kind of a bummer… I wrote and wrote, and then it all went away. I wonder what I did wrong?

I was writing about Heaven. Wondering what it would be like. Obviously, I don’t really know.

A light wind in my face. Wildflowers everywhere, pink, blue yellow, purple… tall dainty stems.

All creation singing Your Praises, Lord. I can almost hear the voices, whispers at first, and LIGHT… JESUS is the Light…

I have always hesitated to picture what Heaven is like, I know that it will be different than anyone can ever imagine.

My grandpa wrote about Heaven. He said that he couldn’t imagine streets of gold, but give him some dirt to plow. 🙂

living in layers...

 JULY 17, 2004

living in layers…

Trying to explain how I think–

We do live in layers– we expose the parts that we feel are “socially acceptable” and hide the rest. It has always seemed so hypocritical to me. I have always felt like I should just be Out There, be Real, but when I have been, generally have felt rejected so go back into hiding. During some of the trauma times, I lost that ability to hide the rest– that’s when I “hermitize”

I was always a GOOD GIRL– I followed the Rules. But life doesn’t always follow the rules.

I was supposta grow up, get married, have children, live happily ever after.  Isn’t that what all little girls want? There was always some kind of resistance in me, like that wasn’t enough. But when I had children, life fell into place. I loved being mommy, so much so that when the time came for them to enter school, we decided to home school. I say “we” because it was my husband’s idea; at first I resisted, but then could see how good it could be. And it was, mostly.

One layer of my life was below that one. It was only inside. It was all the bad things people had done to me that made me feel unworthy, unlovable,  and dirty.  And I’ve been fighting that layer all my life;  it comes up at inopportune moments.

But God knows it all. He loves it all. He loves ME, through and through. Anyway. In spite of. Because of.

We will overcome. Job 23:10 (New King James Version) But He knows the way that I take; When He has tested me, I shall come forth as gold.

HE will produce gold.

my very first blog post, May 9, 2004

 updated 11/27/2020

This was the very first day I started my other blog. I haven't brought over all the posts yet, but it was like starting a new world, a new adventure. I had my website before this. Long ago, when the internet was merely a collection of bulletin boards, I ran into an ADD board. On that board was a woman from Israel that I became friends with. She taught web design with a company called Homestead. It was so easy!! So I had a great deal of creative fun with that. When I was home schooling my kids, I discovered that I LOVED working on the computer. No more retyping whole pages when you made a boo boo. No more taking out the stencil, painting the boo boo, and hoping you could get the typewriter lined up just right so the boo boo was invisible. It was exhilarating actually. Free to type as fast as you want and not worry about mistakes. And as I typed more on the computer, I got really fast, and the mistakes diminished. It helps that you just back space and type it again, and hardly notice.

When I started, I didn't really know what to do. Or what to write. Now I write nearly every day. And there's another topic, How I got Started On the Internet and Blogging and Actually worked in an OFFICE because of it. Wow. LOL

MAY 9, 2004

day one

here is today

time seems to sway

just going away

would like to play

So now I have a weblog. I am joining the millions of others that use this method of dealing with life. I know that I already know some of the answers… I’ve been this way before. Now, there are different situations, but still the same problems, dealing with things without internalizing, without stuffing myself with food, without letting things eat at my insides.

And so my plan is to keep writing in a general sort of way, without names in case someone somewhere in space is reading this.

And so, this is the beginning of the journey, and the end, and the middle.