jealousy...

MARCH 11, 2012

 

I guess I’m jealous. Jealous of those who have lived in the same house for the last sixty years. Jealous of those who do not have the compulsion to hoard, to not let anything go. I have been enormously successful at doing that, but I still agonize over things that are lost, such as my “old” home… my chickens, the garden, the hilltop where the wind blows. I miss those things so intensely… I just went out to look at the stars, and there are only a few to see. I was spoiled by the vastness there, by the darkness where the stars were so visible.

And yet, the old song says, This world is not my home, I’m just a passing through…and no I don’t feel at home. I want to be HOME… and somehow, I have to make this place home, because it is what God has given me.

Can’t give up. Want to give up. Can’t give up.

Lord have mercy on me…I hear that You are a jealous God, you don’t want us to have anything before you… and I want You more than I want a place, or anything… and yet, I yearn for a home. I’ve lived in this house for ten years. It has never been home. I hold everything at arms’ length, I don’t let it in, and then I wonder just why it isn’t home. It feels like there has been just too much hurt, I can’t open up, I must curl in and not get hurt.

But if I continue to curl in, there will be no one here. And that’s what I fear the most, that there will be no one here.

So does this make any sense at all??