It's kind of crazy, I know. It's like giving up a dream. I always wanted to be a certain kind of Grandma, I guess. When C. was little, I got to fulfill that dream. I got to take care of him every day and we had a blast. I loved being his grandma. Then L came along, and I cared for the two of them. Then one day L came to me and said accusingly, "You're not my REAL grandma!" and it was never the same. I told him that although I wasn't his daddy's mother, I loved him like I loved my own kids but to L it didn't matter.
Then when A came along, I got to take care of him. That lasted until he was 3 ish, and then I guess his other grandma got jealous (?) or something, because I was always in trouble. So I stopped taking care of them, after I got in trouble for letting A. go outside with no shoes or socks, looking for bugs. Other Grandma dropped by as she usually did, to check on me, I guess. I'm not sure but that's what it seemed like. I could feel her disapproval of me.... anyway she screamed at him, and wouldn't look at me. I'm sure the parents got an earful, because they never asked me to take care of A again.
We did have the opportunity to care for my son's kids M and A. Now they are older, and we don't see them as often. The rest of the kids don't live as close, or they have Other Grandmas that care for them. My daughter is far away and living with Other Grandma.
So I'm letting go of a dream. I'm never going to be the grandma of my dreams. And that has to be ok. I know that most grandmas don't get to be That Kind of Grandma. My friend G. has grandkids all over the country. M's granddaughter lives far away too. In fact, I don't know anyone with the exception of in-laws who get to have a relationship with their grandparents.
I didn't. My grandma M. lived near us when I was very small, and died when I was 14. My grandma L. lived across the country. I saw her 5 or 6 times in my life. My grandpa M died before I was born. I remember going bowling with Grandpa L a few times but have very few memories of any of them.
It helps to write it out. And yes, it's out there in the public, and it's weird that I'm more ok with that than my own family reading it, although they could, if they knew it existed.
It's taking me many years to get a handle on THINGS. Letting go is painful, but feels good at the same time. I have the couch full of OUT boxes, now to get K on board with it, because he HATES to let go of ANYTHING and it makes it very uncomfortable. I just have to.
I've been reading a book, called NOBODY WANTS YOUR SH*T. Aside from the offensive language, there's a lot of truth in it.
The best quote is this one (so far)
IT'S TIME TO LET GO OF WHO YOU USED TO BE AND EMBRACE WHO YOU ARE NOW.
So, who am I now? Someone who wants to stop hiding out and face life as it currently is. Pretty scary, in my opinion, that I got to This Age before I got totally fed up with myself.
Gonna take a lot of patience, with me, with hubby. He needs to grow up too, but that's not MY issue; that's HIS.
One day at a time. One thing at a time.
Lots of grace, lots of love, lots of ice cream. No, really. There's this Carb Smart kind....
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