It’s raining. Inside of me and outside of this house. It’s pouring. It’s flooding inside, not so much outside. There’s flood control out there, not so much inside. I can’t stop crying. My heart aches. My head aches. I’m crying for the whole year I think, having been so strong for my mom since my dad died. Strong through two surgeries. Strong through her breast cancer. Strong through the death of friends… three in the last six months (the dangers of making friends where my mom lives). Strong through her depression and grief. Strong through my own. Now, with L's leaving,  the strength flew away. Now I cry and cry and cry some more. I just let it flow, knowing that in some ways at least it is a healing rain. I won’t cry forever. I know that. Right now it doesn’t feel like I will ever smile again.

 

So maybe this all will help me clear out my stuff. I had a dream, of kids and grandkids visiting me, having fun, sharing meals, sharing games. I have so far been a major failure of being a hostess to them. I hate the clutter. Right now I am thinking about dumping out a box and putting it straight in the trash. I would love to do it to the whole house. I am at the point I don’t care what anyone else thinks, it’s my stuff to do with what I wish. And I wish it GONE.

 

so how am I doing with this? Crying a lot. Not wanting to think about any of it. But can’t help it. Not being with J. and the new sweetie to watch them grow up…. I’ve been looking forward to being there; to help them raise their sweeties, to take care of them, to love them… to spend time with my daughter and her hubby… but it is not to be.

 

Am I overreacting? Absolutely. Because losing my dad and the knowledge that my mom is on the same journey has been very rough already and now with my daughter moving far away the grief of it all is choking me. Many many grandparents live far away from their grandkids. My own parents moved far away from their parents and only saw them EVERY TEN YEARS OR SO. That thought doesn’t help. Just because everybody else deals with it doesn’t make it any easier.

 

Trusting the Lord seems so very far away.  It feels like another rejection, another abandonment. Everyone I love seems to go away or die.. Everyone is just out of reach. Hubby tries to console me, offers to take me there… I am inconsolable. Truth is of course different. I have lots of friends, it’s just that most of them are still in the community I left. I left. I’m regretting that decision more every day. I don’t have my community family any more. They are still there; I am not. Here, I am not connected. I am only really connected to one friend, and she is not the type I tell all my troubles to. Even though I still have my hubby, I feel very much alone.

 

Maybe tomorrow will be better. It will feel good to dump that stuff. I’m going to shove as much as I can stand into the car and drive on over and donate it.  I don’t care if I regret it later. I need to go stomp it into oblivion. Maybe I will be able to tackle five boxes. Ten boxes.I cannot put it off any more. IT MUST GO…. I don’t want to lose any more kids. I need to be more connected. I have to have a place to invite them. If I had done this before, maybe….. maybe she would have stayed. Maybe she would be more connected to her brothers. Maybe she would have had more reason to stay. It makes me feel like it’s my fault. It wasn’t my decision, but…. it feels like there could have been something that I could have done…. something that would have kept them here, instead of far enough away that I won’t see them more than once, maybe twice, a year. JP will forget me. He will hide when I come, he won’t remember the tender times we have had. He won’t remember the time he followed me, stomping just the way I was, until we all dissolved into tears of laughter.

 

I will live through it. I am devastated at the moment but I will adjust. I will have to.

 

My heart says, if only I had agreed to come live with her, stay with JP. while she worked. If only I had I don’t know what. If only her brothers had loved her more. If only, if only. My boys are distant. Of all my kids, I am closest to her. And she's the one leaving.

 

She will go where she wants. Living close to me is not a requirement. I hate it that she is leaving me behind. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.

 

I know I am processing a very lot at the moment. It feels like way too much, like it will kill me. It’s all breaking my heart. But the sun will shine, and I will be fine, and I will love the grandchildren within my reach and maybe hold them a little more tightly…

too much sadness...

too much sadness. It's been almost a year since my dad died. My mom has been through two surgeries since then, and was diagnosed with breast cancer. I've spent a lot of my time with her this year, and between being with my daughter helping her and being with my mom helping her.... I was gone more than home. When I am home, I feel frozen and sad.

Now my daughter told me she and her family are moving out of state. I get it. The cost of living, vaccinations, job opportunities... great for them but awful for me. No more baby snuggles. She's having another, and will probably move before the birth so I won't get to be there when the sweet pea is new... not be there to welcome him or her to this world, not be there to have The Grandma talk. I know it isn't that I am losing my daughter; but so far away I won't see her often, maybe once or twice a year, if that. I won't see my grandbabies grow up in person, only on a computer screen and in pictures.

This grief is intense, as bad as when I lost my dad. As bad as when I almost lost my mom. It doesn't feel like I can live through this. I know I will. Makes it sound like I won't miss my daughter. We text almost every day, she sends me pictures... I hope that won't change. I will miss her a lot.... daughter snuggles are wonderful... and son in law hugs. And Important Discussions. And playing games. And it isn't like I have no other grandchildren. But this is the one I see most often, who lights up and points to me and grins when he sees me. M. lights up when he sees Grandpa; he warms up to me pretty quickly... the others are pretty little. J. has his other grandma right across the street. He doesn't know me very well yet.  I got to hold C. and A not too long ago, and hope to spend more time with them. C. L, and A I see often, and D, R, A, and M I rarely see. I am rich in grandchildren.

So I turn yet again, turn from the grief, know that I will get to see them as often as possible... no I won't be able to help home school, but I am getting the feeling L. doesn't want to.  I will survive. They will love their new home. I will not plead or try to hold them back. They have already decided and it isn't my decision.

Plenty of people live far away from their grandchildren. My own grandma lived in Minnesota and I only saw her a few times in my life. I never sat on her lap and sought comfort from her. She was a stranger to me.

But I was not planning on being that kind of grandma.

dolls again.....

or is it again and again?

I updated my post about Ty Beanie Boppers. Not much new except Paula. About my Beanie Boppers

I mean, if you saw Paula for $1.99 wouldn't you grab her? No? Well, I did.

so how many infinity scarves can I wear or give?

Can you see the sparklies? It is Caron Party yarn. I ended up going to my mom's again and didn't bring a project so went to that super store across the street and grabbed a crochet hook and a ball of yarn. These infinity scarves are fun and quick so here's another. I did it differently this time, just chain 5 and sc in each space, a simple thing really. Around and around. I really want to do that doll sweater, I have about three rows done but it's too hard to concentrate and talk to Mom at the same time. Oh well. 

Look what I got in the mail!!!

 I am so excited for my friend Lorna Miser of Lorna Miser Designs. She is the former owner of Lorna's Laces Yarns and now she's starting a new adventure, Zombie Yarns; Lorna Dyes Again!

I had the privilege to give her a smidgen to help her startup costs. SO... she sent me a project bag and a skein of yarn!

She has these for sale on her website....

The yarn is lovely. It's purple-y  with a hint of red. I need a better camera (I wonder how many years I have said that!)

Anyway... I have a pattern picked out, waiting for Lorna to put it on Ravelry where she sells her patterns...now to get out those needles....

You have brains in your head.... and feet in your shoes.

This was transferred from my other blog, which I am working on merging with this one. I tended to be more personal over there, although still no one but me read it. 

February 11, 2016

Starting with a big sigh. I feel all mixed up. Like I have to decide the future, although that isn’t exactly true. Hubby always says he’s going to live to 67, because that’s when his dad died. So mainly I think this way because I know I am going to have to find my own way, if I am hanging in there beyond him!!

“You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You’re on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who’ll DECIDE WHERE TO GO…” ~ Dr. Seuss

so there I am.

take a deep breath. There’s still some time with my mom left… although we’ve been through the wringer this year. Less than three months after my dad died, my mom ended up with a bowel obstruction, and surgery. I don’t think this is quite fair, since for a lot of years my dad was in the hospital dealing with… a bowel obstruction. Over and over, we sat in the waiting room and wonder if he was going to make it this time. And finally, his body weakened by two falls and broken shoulders, he didn’t.

Fast forward to November. Another obstruction, another surgery. More time spent with my mom sitting next to HER wondering if SHE would make it. In the last five years, I have had more than enough of sitting next to hospital beds, or wandering the halls of skilled nursing facilities. Mom developed pneumonia, and congestive heart failure. They spoke of “palliative care”. My brother and I said our goodbyes. She didn’t seem to be responsive at all. But from somewhere came, “NURSE! Make sure they know I’m not dead yet!”

Between the surgeries, Mom had a breast ultrasound to check on a lump that had been biopsied and benign five years ago. Now that little bitty lump (7mm?) is cancer. Stage 1a. Hardly cancer at all. BUT…. now we have to decide what to do about it. Surgery? Lumpectomy? Mastectomy? Radiation? Hormone Therapy? Do nothing?

My mom is amazing. She’s five foot two, eyes of brown… 95 pounds on a good day. I don’t know how she’s made it this far. She’s 90. My heart says, do nothing. Take her where she wants to go. Help her have the best life she can for as long as she can.

One doctor says, you have to have a mastectomy RIGHT NOW!!! Another says, let’s give you a pill that will cause nausea, possibly vomiting and diarrhea… fatigue, weakness, possibly bone weakness, headaches, depression, mood swings?  The surgeon says, don’t do a thing. Go live your life, don’t worry, be happy. I like that one. I don’t know what my mom is going to choose.

So figure it out. I haven’t a clue. I’ve got soup in the pot and bread rising on the stove. That’s what I can manage today. And it will be okay. No matter what.

it's a New Year and all.....

so happy new year.....

This is so often a time for Resolutions. I don't have any. I have hopes, but these last few years have been so full of injuries and deaths and surgeries I know that I am going to leave them at hopes and be thankful for whatever IS and not bummed at what IS NOT.

That said. I did finish my afghan. Except for the weavings of ends. I've been using it on my bed and it is SO warm and toasty. I usually don't make things for myself but you know, I'm worth it too. LOL

So even though the year was crazy and half my time was spent with my parents, sitting by hospital beds--and I don't do well knitting or crocheting while sitting there-- I finished all but 2 of my UFO's and started and finished quite a few small projects as well as The Afghan. And I've decided that if I don't find my sock pattern by the end of January, they will be repurposed into maybe some mittens or something.

I did start a doll sweater that isn't finished. It is challenging to say the least. I ended up having to order needles online because I couldn't find them. We no longer have a yarn shop here, and the only place you can get yarn, fabric or notions is WalMart. When I get to go to a JoAnn or Michael's it's great. I think it's probably better that way since I am indeed a Fabriholic, not so much with yarn, but texture and color just suck me in.

So my hopes for the year.

I liked this from Petals to Picots.... for me it's for all crafty stuff, not only yarn. (parentheses for my added thoughts)

1. Only buy yarn (fabric, paper, or whatever!) when I have a pattern (or project) picked for it and I know nothing in my stash will work
2. Finish one project before beginning another (actually I have two categories. One for the In The Car project and one for those requiring more focus)
3. Find a project to use up all my orphan yarn (I love crocheted afghans for this-- I can do them in the car)
4. Learn a new skill... perhaps hairpin lace (for me, choose a little bit more challenging pattern-- or a new printmaking/painting/stamping/journaling skill)
5. Organize my stash (for me, my stash is pretty organized, except fabric. GO ME!)
6. Experiment with new color combinations (for me, in my painting and printmaking)

All in all, I'm pretty satisfied with my crafting this last year, since there were so many stress making situations. I tried some new things, made several knit and crochet items, did some art journaling, and got myself a coloring book. My hope for the new year is to be able to spend more sewing time. I wanted to make more doll clothes for K. in Kentucky but didn't end up being able to. Well it doesn't have to be for Christmas, right?

So I'm taking a big deep breath and 2016 here I come.... even though I know that one of the first things I am going to be doing is spending a few weeks with my mom while she recovers from surgery. Maybe I can fix her sewing machine... or take mine.

I can do this.